Universe…stop being so cruel
I think everyone has experienced this at least once in their life. When they really really want something they see it everywhere. You have your eye on a particular car and suddenly everyone in the world owns that car. The universe is being, in my opinion, incredibly cruel with me. For the longest time it was so hard for me to go out in public. We live near an army base so it’s kind of like living in Utah. Everyone is pregnant! I would get very anxious to visit stores or the mall because I knew that the baby bumps would start come out of the woodwork. To these mothers it’s a happy sign of things to come but to me it is a reminder of what we do not have, our baby. I remember going to an army function and women after pregnant women would walk by. Some of them with multiple other children around them. One particular women had 3 children which included a very young baby and she had a massive pregnant belly. I remember hearing her talking to a friend about how she was so ready to be done with her pregnancy. Of course her statement was light and was not intended to be cruel but yet it stung me. Here she was with 3 other healthy beautiful children and she would probably go on to have another healthy baby as well. I would have given anything to carry Averie full term. In her defense, I’m sure not having gone through what I went through, I could have made a similar statement towards the end of my pregnancy as well. Although I have become more comfortable going out in public I will not say that it still doesn’t sting seeing the new babies everywhere or the pregnant women. I’ll find myself looking at some of the babies thinking that’s about the age Averie would have been. Lately ads on Hulu have decided to be cruel as well. It seems every one that comes on is about diapers or formula. It’s silly to think I’m being taunted but a part of me wonders why I can’t just see another boring car commercial? Or how about makeup? A makeup commercial doesn’t make my eyes well up with tears and my heart hurt. I realize in a perfect world I wouldn’t be so affected. I realize in a perfect world my heart wouldn’t hurt so much. But I also know this isn’t a perfect world because if it was Zach and I would have our beautiful daughter and I wouldn’t be writing this post. Maybe I can make a deal with the universe. How about just this once cut me a break?? Please?