There is a room in my house that the door usually always remains shut. We go in from time to time but the closet always stays closed and undisturbed. It has been like that for the past 8 months. I haven’t found the strength yet to open it. I am haunted constantly by the contents of this closet. When I’m in the room I’ve noticed that I avoid eye contact with it. Avoiding something that I could possibly see and then not have the ability to deal with it. All of Averie’s belongings sit behind this looming door. Every item that reminds me that she never made it home. Her car seat that we were supposed to bring her home in, the outfit I carefully picked out that would be the one she wore home from the hospital, the baby bath where we would give her her first bath. All the wonderful gifts we received from friends and family at her shower. Everything. It’s strange because I have her urn in my living room and I talk to her often. I have her pictures on my walls where I smile in admiration of her beauty, but her things I cannot face just yet. Zach and I will be moving to Germany next summer and the first thing I thought of was Averie’s things. I, at some point, will have to explain to the movers what I would like done with them. They may look at me and realize I’m not pregnant then wonder why they are packing a babies things when they see no baby. Hopefully no questions, just quizzicle looks. I feel strongly in keeping them because they are hers. Some may say moving them to Germany doesn’t make sense but I can’t let them go, I just can’t. The last few months have been some of the biggest in growth so a part of me tells me to just look in the closet and face the fear while the part of me that likes to run and hide says no I just can’t. One side will win eventually, but until then I remain haunted.
If you’ve dealt with this yourself or have great advice for me I would love to hear it 😊