Finding myself, hope and peace again
The words to Adele’s new song have been on repeat in my mind:
“Hello, it’s me I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet. To go over everything. They say that time’s supposed to heal ya but I ain’t done much healing”
The words keep replaying mostly because I can’t seem to get that song out of my head (apologies for getting that song stuck in your head now) but also because the words seemed so fitting to me. I’m not dwelling on a past relationship, but instead have battled with a different relationship. The one I have with myself. The first and most important relationship someone can have. Let’s face it, if things aren’t good with you they aren’t usually good with anyone else.
I spent a terrible December depressed, unhappy and battling myself constantly with little to no hope of ever finding happiness again. There was a moment that I knew that things had to change and that it wasn’t going to be easy but I had to do it. If not for myself but for my relationship and for Averie.
Today I still don’t recognize myself but it’s defiantly for the better. I have never felt so much peace and stillness EVER in my life. Even during times I have felt happy and alive I’ve never felt like this. I know I’m far from perfect but being in this state could not make me any happier. Most of you are probably wondering what I’ve been doing to get here. Here are the steps I’ve taken that have helped me in no particular order:
1. Living in the moment. Although it’s still a work in progress, by being able to do this it makes me worry less about the past as well as the future. We may not have another day or week but we have right now. It’s made me more grateful and more aware of things in terms of importance. Getting worked up about small things doesn’t happen as frequently. I tend to look at things in a whole new light.
2. Meditation. This obviously goes hand in hand with living present and in the moment. Although I’ve been meditating for years I’ve made sure that my practice is more frequent. I look forward to those quiet moments alone with myself paying attention to my breath allowing my mind to quiet. Using this practice has helped me through out the day. If I experience fear or a negative thought I now have the ability to push it out. Feel it and let it go. Having control over that has been one of the most important things because in the past my mind would take over completely. Being able to shut down my ego has been not only rewarding for me, but also for my relationship.
3. Yoga. I have never been a fan of working out, I’m not a runner and the only time you might see me run is if someone is chasing me. But yoga is another story. I’ve always loved yoga, but the perfectionist side of me stayed away from it because I couldn’t do a perfect downward dog. I’m not flexible AT ALL. I read an article one day about a women that had the same issue. She realized that yoga isn’t about perfection. She was right and knew I couldn’t give it up just because I can’t touch my toes. Maybe if I keep it up someday I just might! Yoga has taken my joint pain away by stretching and using those muscles and body parts that don’t usually get worked. I love doing it each morning and don’t plan on stopping anytime soon. If you are looking for good free yoga check out this YouTube channel here.
4. Diet. I wouldn’t say I am dieting but I have started eating an organic & gluten free diet. No I don’t have celiac but after removing gluten from my diet I have felt so much better. I never have that heavy feeling anymore from overeating or emotionally shoving piece after piece of pizza in my mouth. With this, and my yoga, I’ve also lost weight! Not only that but I have never felt so healthy in my life. I’ve tried diets here and there but this one I actually don’t get cravings for greasy food or want to overload on sweets. With this one it’s different.
5. Daily inspirations. Each morning before I get out of bed I read one or two inspiring things. I’ve realized that it helps me tremendously to feel positive throughout the day when I start off with a good feeling. I just recently read an article where they suggested setting an intent each day in the morning. Something you want to accomplish or how you want your day to go. I’ve found it incredibly helpful although my husband may disagree as I scream “set your intent!” as he leaves for work in the morning! When you don’t go into the day blindly it makes for a much better day, I promise.
6. Daily conversations with my sister in law. Now I realize that not everyone can do this one unless you want the number for my sister in law Lindsay, but I don’t think she would appreciate me giving it out. Her and I are very similar, we think the same way and are both all about growing and living this life as happy as we can. If you have someone in your life like that utilize them! Our conversations are always uplifting and if we don’t get to talk for the day we will text each other quotes or uplifting articles. At times we will vent to each other, but instead of letting each other wallow in it, will inspire each other to work ourselves out of those feelings. Being able to speak with her often has helped me tremendously in this journey.
7. Reconnecting with my husband. This has always been my ultimate goal because of all the stress our relationship has been under. Ask anyone that has lost a child, it is hard on your relationship. If your relationship wasn’t tested then you are a miracle couple and I may not believe you entirely. I think this process of grief has taken us all over the place. When I’m up, he’s down. When I’m down, he’s up. We haven’t fully been at the same level until just recently. And I can tell you it feels great. Actually it feels awesome! We’ve been going on date nights and spending as much time as possible together. It took several huge hurdles to get here but I can honestly say we are in a better spot then we’ve ever been.
Losing Averie has been the hardest thing I will probably ever go through. I look back now over the course of the year and can’t believe I have made it here. Through the moments of sadness and despair I only hopped I would make it to a place where I was free from constant pain. Now it’s not necessarily about losing her that I focus on but the fact that I was able to have that short time with her, to love her and hold her. I feel incredibly lucky to have had those moments with her and those are the ones I choose to hold on to.