First off this is not a rant but instead just an observation of feelings. Lately things have felt overly familiar and the best way I could describe it is being stuck in a time warp. Aside from the obvious differences of this pregnancy: Zach being here and not on deployment, extra care & tests and of course the fact that this baby is her own identity and not Averie. When I say I feel I’m in a time warp I think it’s because here we are pregnant again and everything being discussed is in regards to bringing this baby girl home almost like its the first time we’ve talked about any of this. “When she’s here” this and “when she’s here” that. Recently my mother in law came to visit and as always we love it when she comes to see us but familiar conversations were brought up just like they were with Averie. Talk of trips to take and how she would watch this new little one while Zach and I took a break. Nothing she said was wrong or said maliciously, it just hit me that all this has been said before. Almost like deja vu. Every time I get frustrated because our house is disorganized and I want it to be ready for the baby I think “I’ve been here before”. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that this feels like a do over when I know that it’s not. Instead of worrying about how Averie, the almost 2 year old, will feel about her sister I’m repeating an all to familiar first child scenario. But this isn’t our first child. We weren’t given that chance of bringing Averie home, to take her on trips and to watch her grow into a beautiful little girl. Sometimes I think how unfair it is that she wasn’t able to experience the life her sister will get but then I remember that she is in all of us and will experience it right along with us.
I’m not sure when this feeling of deja vu will fade. I’m assuming once I make it past 33 weeks but then again I think I’ll still have this familiar feeling until I bring this little one home. That will break the time warp I imagine, and set in motion a whole other chapter. A new one we’ve yet to experience.
I made this sign today to hang over our “shrine” of Averie. I guess lately I’ve been having a few feelings of guilt. I never forget her and I never will but those tiny fragments of guilt pop up every now and then and I have to do my best to silence them.