Discussion: A specific place for loss

Last week while scrolling through the pregnancy app I have I came across a specific post one women wrote. I wish I had screen shot it but I hadn’t. She was telling those that had suffered a loss to please stop posting about it in the general pregnancy group that there was a specific place for it: the loss group. She went on to say that it’s hard to read about others losses because women start to question the fate of their own. I read through some of the comments and some women thought her comment was unsympathetic as others agreed with her that they didn’t want to see the posts. So it got me thinking. My first reaction was sadness. That as women we can’t put our own feelings of fear aside to console a bereaved mother. I know what it feels like to be worried about losing a baby I think most women experience that fear at some point but when has anyone ever lost their child because they read too many stories of mothers that have? I also understand that especially in early pregnancy our hormones are running rampant and we sometimes turn into these creatures that nobody recognizes that even we don’t recognize ourselves. Is that still an excuse to turn a blind eye to others and their losses? When someone loses a loved one in a car accident do we ask them to share their stories with only those that have suffered a similar loss because we will no longer be able to drive or get in a car? When someone loses their child to cancer do we turn a blind eye for fear that our own children will suffer the same fate? Maybe I’m getting off topic it’s just that pregnancy loss/child loss is such a taboo subject for some reason. When the reality is that 1 in 4 women will suffer a loss that many more women each day will need the support and love to get through it. I don’t think banishing them to a specific group like they have the plague is the answer. I understand how it feels to seek comfort in other women that have lost their babies. But I also sought these women out myself not because someone told me I had to. Needless to say I’ve thought about this womens post a lot and thought I would ask others about their opinions whether they have suffered a loss or not. 

So if you are reading this please with me your thoughts! I would love to hear your opinions.

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  1. megank

    August 21, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    Oof. That is so incredibly sad that was the response the mamas who have experienced a loss received. I think a loss group is great so that women who have similar experiences can reach out to one another, and find others who understand what they’re going through. But I don’t think that having a group like that means that you should keep all conversations surrounding loss just in that group. That’s not the point. You cannot just filter out everything awful and sad in life just so you don’t have to face the reality that bad things unfortunately happen. It’s not a disease that you will catch from someone else if you are exposed to their grief, it is a part of life that we will all experience loss at some point. Fortunately, not all of us experience the loss of a child, but for those of us that do, we need all of the support and understanding we can get.

    1. Crystal S

      August 21, 2016 at 7:22 pm

      Totally agree! I’m so glad there are groups for loss but we can’t be expected to stay just within our group because others can’t deal with it. I think if it makes you feel uncomfortable scroll past!

  2. alison

    August 21, 2016 at 12:55 pm

    I so agree. I think that’s why doctors choose not to talk about it or create any awareness…it’s inconvenient and uncomfortable. People want to stay in their comfort zone and so they can continue to believe “it will never happen to me, that only happens to other people.”

    1. Crystal S

      August 21, 2016 at 7:32 pm

      I think you used the perfect word “uncomfortable”. You are right I think we all thought at one point it wouldn’t happen to any of us and now that it has I can’t imagine being told I couldn’t talk about it.

  3. Randi

    August 21, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    I hate this so much. It breaks my heart that so many women were probably hurt by that woman, and her words. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be a bereaved mother. There are so many of us, and I hate that everyone feels so uncomfortable talking about death that they try to shame the women who have dealt with it first hand.

    I will always talk about my daughter, and I don’t give AF if it makes you uncomfortable. She is my daughter.

    1. Crystal S

      August 21, 2016 at 7:41 pm

      🙌🏽 agreed!! I don’t think she even thought about all the women she was hurting she was just thinking about herself and her feelings which in my opinion weren’t even that valid. I think this women needs a wake up call with life.

  4. HandC1019

    August 21, 2016 at 7:08 pm

    I read an article not long ago about a Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer. The comments were appalling to me. One woman was saying how morbid it was and took us back to the victorian age. It took a lot of self control to not comment and say I’m sorry you feel that way but for those of us who only have those pictures, we cherish them. The lack of awareness and sensitivity makes me so incredibly sad.

    1. Crystal S

      August 21, 2016 at 7:51 pm

      Morbid?? Why can’t some people just follow the general rule if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all. You said it perfectly we cherish those pictures. They are the lifeline to our precious babies. How hard is it to find empathy knowing that little baby belongs to parents that are probably dying inside from grief. That just makes me sick. Yes total lack of awareness and sensitivity couldn’t have said it better myself.

  5. sidneyandelismom

    August 22, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    Those types of comments make me angry/sad. Not talking or thinking about something does not stop it from happening. If I had been more aware of still birth, and more actively done kick counts, it is possible Sidney would be here today. Even if it wouldn’t have changed things, women who suffer losses deserve to be able to participate in regular pregnancy discussion forums. While we are forever defined by our losses, they are not the only part of our identities and by being shuffled to special spaces and only allowed to speak there, it makes our losses into something to be ashamed of, not just mourned.

    1. Crystal S

      August 22, 2016 at 7:20 pm

      You are right. Why should we feel ashamed because others can’t deal with our losses? Last I checked we shouldn’t be punished because some people can’t deal with their own insecurities.

  6. Brooke Gause

    August 22, 2016 at 2:55 pm

    I read your blog all the time. I lost my full term son Eli shortly after birth and his little brother, Miles at 20 weeks. I completely agree w your thoughts!!! I get the nervousness as well… The generalized nervousness all mothers feel, but I feel it is inappropriate to ask mothers who have lost to stop posting to the “normal” group. It’s very Insensitive and a little strange to ask, I think.

    1. Crystal S

      August 22, 2016 at 7:24 pm

      Hi Brooke, I’m sorry sorry for the losses of your two little boys. Thank you for reading and thank you so much for your comment ❤️ It is strange she even had the thought to ask and I agree completely it was so insensitive. How hard is it to put your fears aside to console a mourning mother?

  7. lonimarie2016

    August 22, 2016 at 11:08 pm

    I’m not sure how to feel about this. My son died at 2 months and I am a ‘loss mom’; this fact is particularly crushing tonight. Were I to be blessed with a pregnancy again, I don’t know how I would do reading about someone else’s loss. Would I be scared for me? Would I be compassionate for them? I am empathetic now and I think I always will be…but to be pregnant with a rainbow and read those posts…?

    Oh to be the naive, carefree, normal worry person I used to be… It will never happen, I am forever changed. As I continue to ramble on here, I do feel that a listening ear does so much for healing and comforting. Maybe the answer is to just scroll on by and find another topic to participate in.

    This is a hard one. I feel bad for both the reader and the writer —

  8. Crystal S

    August 23, 2016 at 10:40 am

    I appreciate your honesty answering this question and having a different perspective about it! I agree if you can’t handle the emotions that come up, which is ok to feel that way, it might be easier to just scroll past 🙂

  9. Fatma Amin

    August 23, 2016 at 11:28 am

    This is so sad & pathetic . And I do so agree with u .

    1. Crystal S

      August 23, 2016 at 12:16 pm

      Thanks for your comment Fatma. It is truly sad and pathetic <3

      1. Fatma Amin

        August 23, 2016 at 12:34 pm

        Do check my blog . I too had a miscarriage with my twins & I know how it feels . It was my first pregnancy . Thanks for relieving mothers like us through this post of yours .

        1. Crystal S

          August 23, 2016 at 1:05 pm

          I am so sorry for your loss. It breaks my heart to hear when other Mothers have suffered a loss because I know that pain. I will most defiantly check out your blog <3

  10. mymelaninmatters

    August 23, 2016 at 12:03 pm

    It is sad and comes from a lack of understanding, a lot of new, first-time mums, some who had have only successful pregnancies too are very naive to the possibilities of miscarriage/baby loss, they, alike myself once, assume everything will be fine so they don’t want to even acknowledge anything else. To comment that is where it goes too far…. just because our baby/babies are not here on earth, does not mean we are not mothers who deserve to voice our feelings. If there is a place for discussing pregnancy a grieving mother should be allowed to share her pregnancy feelings on there too!

    1. Crystal S

      August 23, 2016 at 12:13 pm

      Perfectly said! I think as hard as it is, opening yourself to the possibility that things could go wrong could help provide comfort in the long run. It’s good to be positive during pregnancy but being naive can create heartache as well. Thank you so much for your comment <3

  11. Isaac's Mom

    August 23, 2016 at 1:29 pm

    I’m going to admit something that I have been ashamed of since losing Isaac last month. I belonged to two facebook groups for pregnant mom’s due in September. In one of those groups, a mom posted beautiful pictures of her first baby, a daughter stillborn at 34 weeks, on what was her first birthday. I remember being so freaked out at the time. I came home and discussed it with my family because I knew how I felt wasn’t right. I understood why she was sharing – that it was her baby and she was sad and now scared during this pregnancy. I wasn’t naive about the fact it could happen to me (it ultimately did), but I had already been so nervous about something like that happening that the reminder made me worry even more. I’m also not saying she should not have posted. I wasn’t uncomfortable with the idea of photographs of a stillborn baby. I just happened to be so scared that it would happen to me that I couldn’t react supportively no matter how hard I tried to come up with the words to do so. I can’t say definitively whether realizing it could happen to me before it did provided any comfort. It’s been the worst thing I’ve ever experienced.

    My sister and I were texting the other day and she sent a screenshot of one of those generic facebook posts people use to spread awareness and to acknowledge they know a baby who was born sleeping. I told her she should share it. She said that she didn’t normally share stuff like that and followed up by saying that it was a really private thing. I responded by pointing out that she’d had no qualms about sharing posts about my pregnancy. Why was this so different? She didn’t respond. I don’t know if she ever posted it, as I’ve deactivated Facebook.

    1. Crystal S

      August 23, 2016 at 1:56 pm

      This defiantly makes you look at things from both sides and you make a great point. You shouldn’t be ashamed of feeling that way at all. I understand completely when you have not been in the position of losing a child things can freak you out. I think the problem for me with this women was just the unsympathetic way she went about things. Nobody had been posting pictures it was mostly regarding early losses and people just sharing that they had miscarried and that they were sad. I think the comment your sister made about how that post about stillbirth was a “private thing” is how a lot of people feel. When really us Moms that lose our babies just want to be able to talk about them to share their photos and use their names as often as we can.

  12. blueroses99

    August 25, 2016 at 6:25 am

    I have been part of a pregnancy group and although they are aware of my loss, I was backing away from the group because I didn’t want to bring sadness into the mix and felt that I couldn’t offer advice anymore because I was jinxed. However the rest of the group kept asking after me and said it was ok to keep sharing if I wanted to. I asked them to follow my blog instead as I feel more comfortable sharing here where I can be a bit more self-centred which I wouldn’t want to do in a group chat.

    However the earlier pregnancy losses in the group made me much more aware of what could go wrong and probably prepared me for the worst more than a group full of easy pregnancy stories would have done.

    I wrote about this in my post ‘The supporting cast’ this week.

    I think the lady who wrote that losses should in their own group was wrong though, people do need to know that things can go wrong and look for warning signs.

    1. Crystal S

      August 25, 2016 at 12:44 pm

      I’m so glad you were part of a great group that urged you to stay a part of them! It’s refreshing to know that there are still women out there that care and don’t let their fear cloud their ability to be sympathetic.

  13. Katy

    October 6, 2016 at 5:23 pm

    I just lost my second daughter a month and a half ago, and I have been hesitating recently to continue writing about my grief process because I think people are tired of hearing about it from me. No one has actually said that to me, but because I’m exposed to forums and groups like the one you mentioned I see that stuff said to others. You definitely encouraged me to continue speaking my story, that it’s part of all of it, and I shouldn’t feel like I’m bothering others. Thank you.

    1. Crystal S

      October 7, 2016 at 8:56 am

      I am so sorry for the loss of your little girl. That breaks my heart that you feel like you can’t talk about your grief. Those groups and forums can be helpful but horrible at times. Your grief is still so fresh so I’m glad you have chosen to keep talking about it, and do it as long as you want! If someone gets sick of it that’s them and they can stop reading. That makes me happy that I have encouraged you to keep going. Please reach out to me for anything. This path is not easy and you can’t travel it alone ❤️❤️

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