Trying not to be a trigger

Lately I had been experiencing this dark feeling that I haven’t been able to shake. Usually if I’m feeling off I can meditate and it clears it right up and I instantly feel peace. This unfortunately wasn’t going away. Only until I talked to a very dear friend of mine (you know who you are) that I was able to pinpoint what it was. I’ve been trying so hard to not be a trigger to my fellow loss Moms that I have created this distance between me and this precious baby growing inside of me. Almost like I’ve felt like I needed to hide it for fear of hurting someone else. I know whole heartedly know how it feels to be hurting for the baby you lost while seeing or hearing about other pregnant women. It would break my heart and send me into a spiral of emotions. In no way do I want to contribute to someone’s pain in that way. I write that in the most genuine way that I know how. But I know that this little baby needs to be celebrated just as much as anything and my fear of doing that has not set well with me. She, as much as Averie, is a part of this whole process of living after a loss. I have so many emotions surrounding this pregnancy as I do regarding losing Averie and not being able to express them because of fear has not been easy for me. I want to point out that in no way has anyone told me I shouldn’t talk about things I have chosen to do that myself. Out of respect for my other loss Moms, the posts from here on out I will mention when something could be a trigger so if any of you are not comfortable with it you can stop reading if choose and I’ll completely understand.

I am lucky to be a part of this loss community. A community that despite the pain we have all gone through to be a part of it, uplifts each other and supports one another. I have the utmost respect for all my fellow loss Moms ❤️❤️

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  1. faithhopefear

    August 25, 2016 at 2:07 pm

    I need to say how much I appreciate this. If I can be completely honest, having experienced losses I actually look forward to the posts when moms on here become pregnant again. For me, and again I can only share my part, it usually feels like more a slight when we (the community) have been walking this journey through every up and down, every negative test and every emotion and then when someone gets pregnant they disappear. To me that is more hurtful because it makes me feel like our support is no longer needed. I’ve actually had to unfollow some dear friends because of the random pop ins to just let us know everything is allright every few months; I feel cheated. We were good enough to share in your pain, let us share in your joy. Ok I’ve gone on a ranger….I say all this to say, dear Mama, bring on the baby posts. Yes they may sting sometimes but they also remind me that there is hope. 💕

    1. Crystal S

      August 25, 2016 at 2:17 pm

      You have me in tears 😭 Thank you so much for being understanding and so loving your words have touched my heart so much! Your perspective has shown me a whole new way of looking at it and I thank you for that. I 100% needed this ❤️❤️ ((big hugs))

      1. faithhopefear

        August 25, 2016 at 2:20 pm

        This is why we are here. It sucks how we got here but we all found each other to make the journey lighter. 😍

    2. dearmilliejane

      August 30, 2016 at 8:24 pm

      Crystal you are a kind soul! It’s hard enough to worry about your own feelings sometimes with out worrying about others so I know how hard that is! My sis gave birth to my niece yesterday! Still 6 years later I’m was emotional! I am thrilled for them but sad for me and my loss. Your doing so well and it’s inspiring. #downdayssuck

      1. Crystal S

        August 31, 2016 at 12:10 pm

        You are so sweet! Thank you for being so understanding. That’s the thing, time may lessen things but it still hurts. You are awesome and I think you are pretty inspiring as well ❤️❤️

  2. Isaac's Mom

    August 25, 2016 at 3:20 pm

    Hey – I’m a recent loss mommy and I am incapable of talking to my sister in law who is expecting her first (due 3.5 months after I was) because it hurts too much still. However I actively sought to follow you knowing you are pregnant after loss. Sure it still hurts, but you are my hope for the future. I want to be my sister in law, but I can never be her again, having experienced this loss. Hopefully, though, I can be you some day.

    1. Crystal S

      August 25, 2016 at 4:52 pm

      This was so very sweet thank you! That makes me happy to hear that I am providing hope. I’ll be wishing for your rainbow along with you 🌈❤️

  3. foreveramommyblog

    August 25, 2016 at 4:05 pm

    Honestly I feel very happy and hopeful when a loss mom is once again pregnant with their rainbow baby! It gives me joy and happiness and give me Hope. I love following the journey. We’re a big family here! 💙💙 and I as well can’t wait to be pregnant once again but all in time!

    1. Crystal S

      August 25, 2016 at 4:56 pm

      Some of you women just amaze me with how strong you are! Thank you for being so understanding and supportive. I love that we are one big family and can support each other like we do ❤️❤️

  4. sidneyandelismom

    August 25, 2016 at 4:12 pm

    As someone who desperately wants to be pregnant again, I still think it is so important that you have a safe space where you can talk about your pregnancy. I would never think you were being inconsiderate. I know that right now, birth stories are a real trigger for me, so I would just not read certain posts in detail, but I would also be celebrating with you, were you to write a post like that.

    1. Crystal S

      August 25, 2016 at 5:00 pm

      I can 100% relate so thank you so much for being honest and supportive I truly appreciate it ❤️❤️

  5. Cassie

    August 25, 2016 at 6:45 pm

    As someone who is TTC, I will admit it is hard when fellow loss moms talk about their pregnancies and babies because I feel left behind.

    BUT.

    I am SO, SO, SO happy for them (and you!). Truly. And yeah, there are a lot of days I can’t read those posts. But when I have those days, I avoid those posts. And when I’m having days where that stuff won’t trigger me, I read those posts. Because I want to hear what’s going on with the pregnancy/baby. I want to celebrate with you when I can.

    I appreciate you being so considerate. <3 But you deserve to talk about this pregnancy and baby–as much or as little as you want, and whether it's happy thoughts or not.

    The loss community continue to amazes me in how supportive, compassionate, and understanding it is. The fact that you are worried about this says so much about you. <3

    1. Crystal S

      August 25, 2016 at 9:00 pm

      Thank you Cassie for being so understanding and I appreciate your honestly! My thoughts are with you in your TTC process and I can’t wait to hear about that positive pregnancy test ❤️

  6. Randi

    August 25, 2016 at 11:04 pm

    Thank you for writing this. I am struggling with this currently. I think it’s very considerate of you to post a trigger warning, but you don’t have to- ya know? I get it, I really do. I’m part of a forum and it’s a very big thing we do on that. We post trigger warnings, pregnancy warnings, living children warnings ect. Just to avoid any pain to the fellow mommas. You’re so kind💜 I will admit that it is hard for me to read about pregnancies and babies even though we are carrying what I freakin hope is our rainbow. This whole pregnancy after loss thing is just so screwed up. (((Hugs)))

    1. Crystal S

      August 26, 2016 at 9:36 am

      Thank you Randi you are so sweet ❤️ Pregnancy after a loss is totally different then what I thought it would be. But then again I’m not sure what I thought it would be like. Thanks for being understanding I love reading the updates of your little bean and hope all continues to goes well with your pregnancy ❤️❤️ ((hugs))

  7. jasonsmummy

    August 27, 2016 at 8:13 am

    I can completely relate to your post lovely. It’s so hard being pregnant when you know so many others who desperately want it too. I constantly feel guilty that I’m blessed with carrying my rainbow when others haven’t been.. yet. I hate being the person I have despised since losing Jason. You dont have to feel like a trigger and I can imagine everyone (especially those angel mummies) are happy for you even if it hurts. Sending you lots of love and congratulations on your news xxx

    1. Crystal S

      August 28, 2016 at 8:27 am

      Thank you so much!! You took the words right out of my mouth. I’m so glad you understand and you are right, the other angel moms have been so sweet and understanding. You all are such amazing women ❤️❤️

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