Broke my freaking heart 💔

Zach and I were discussing the other day about all the stuff we need for rainbow and the car seat got brought up. We recently got a new car so he talked about putting it in just to try it out. Then he admitted to me something that just broke my heart. When I went into labor with Averie we weren’t expecting it obviously, so no bag was packed nothing was ready. In a haste we left for the ER late at night and took nothing but ourselves and what we had on our backs. After Averie was born, there was that time between when we thought she was doing great to when we heard she had declined rapidly. In that window Zach went home to take care of our dog and he said while he was home he had put her car seat in the car. I obviously hadn’t known he had done that. The thought of him excited, making sure it fit and was ready for when we needed to bring her home, just hurt my heart. Once he got back to the hospital is when we were told she likely would not make it through the day. I don’t know at what point he took the car seat out, I didn’t ask him, but I can’t imagine the pain that it felt for him to do that.

Today for some reason I looked up how many days it’s been since losing Averie. It’s been exactly 564 days. 564 days!?? Where has the time gone? 564 days since I brought her into this world, got to snuggle with her and kiss her little face. 564 days since I was able to smell her sweet little newborn scent. 564 days since we had to say goodbye to her. I’ve seen the snow melt twice, as well as watched the spring flowers make their debut. I’ve suffered through two hot summers without her, and with September right around the corner, yet another fall will go by without my baby girl. It’s true that the pain lessens with time but it still hurts, and I expect it always will.

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  1. Erin Wood

    August 30, 2016 at 4:09 pm

    I remember when the doctors told us we’d get to take Dalun home we were so excited. We had the car seat in the car for weeks. When he passed I remember angrily taking the car seat out along with the musical mirror and put it in the garage. I cried over that seat for what seemed like hours. Life is so unfair. I am glad you are doing better though. Averie is always with you! Hugs!!

    1. Crystal S

      August 30, 2016 at 8:00 pm

      Thanks Erin! Life is seriously a rollercoaster of emotions ❤️❤️ hugs!!

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