I have caught myself constantly worrying lately. It’s at an all time high for some reason. It mainly focuses on Isabella but I would be lying if I didn’t say there were other things that have popped up in my mind. I told my sister the other day I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like something is going to happen. The best way to explain it is I can’t get comfortable, like I’ve been holding my breath.
From the moment we found out I was pregnant with Isabella I’ve been holding my breath. After she was born in the NICU, I remember how I tried to avoid looking at the monitors. Sometimes things would start beeping, it would stop reading her temp or her heart rate. I could visually see that she was ok but regardless the worry was always there.
When we brought her home I would swaddle her and put her in the pack and play next to our bed. I found that I couldn’t sleep even with her right there. I would keep my cell phone light on so that I could sit up and see her to make sure she was still breathing. I would fall asleep but never a deep sleep.
I eventually moved her into the bed with me. She wasn’t sleeping well on her own at all and discovering I could breast feed her lying down was a life saver. Having her close has been comforting and she doesn’t cry at night anymore she just wakes up, I feed her, and we go to sleep again. Unfortunately I still can’t shake the worry. I will lay my hand on her belly as we fall asleep to feel her breathing. On more then one occasion she will breath so shallow that I panic because it appears she’s not breathing so I pick her up to shake her awake.
Zach and I have been debating on training her to sleep in a bassinet by our bed but I’m at odds of how I feel about any of it. I’m being torn in half. When she’s tired she WANTS to be right next to me. She will cry so hard until I lay down with her. We may have created a habit of her nursing to sleep. I’ve tried moving her after she falls asleep, she wakes right up. My body is stiff from always sleeping in the same position each night, but in my mind it’s worth it because I love having her right there.
I have so much guilt because of the way that she was born, that I’ve noticed it effects all my decisions with her. I feel like because she didn’t get her mommy right after she was born and even HOURS after that, deep down subconsciously in her tiny mind she’s being effected by it.
Yesterday I got a lecture from the pediatrician about sleeping with her. Bed sharing has a bad stigma and even if I explained that I’ve done a ton of research, I’m a light sleeper, I keep blankets and pillows away from her face, I don’t roll over etc I will still be made out to be endangering my daughter’s life. But what’s the alternative? Her sleeping in a bassinet and me checking her CONSTANTLY to make sure she’s ok? I worry she’s too cold, too hot, that she can breath ok, and as weird as it sounds that she feels like I didn’t abandon her.
I feel like I’m going crazy with worry trying to decide what to do and how to handle it all. I am so scared of SIDS or of something happening to her it is overwhelming me. I have already lost one child and this fear of losing another is debilitating.
I have always been so good with fear and worry but I can tell you right now they are both winning at this point and I hate it.
If you have experience with this or have any insight please send it my way. Is this my life anymore?? I know you always worry about your children, but how do you not let it consume you after you already know the devastation of losing your other beautiful perfect girl.