Hello yoga, my old friend and other ramblings 

Miraculously I have gotten Isabella down in her pack and play for naps two mornings in a row. Cue the hallelujah’s 🙌🏽 This may not seem like a huge feat to most, but it is in this house. Normally she would nap on me or beside me and I couldn’t move or she would wake up. This made getting anything done impossible because even when she’s awake she hates being put down. 

Yesterday after I put her down I decided it was the day to start yoga back up. It has been exactly a year since I stopped doing it. When we found out we were pregnant with Isabella I stopped doing it because in my mind I thought I would somehow do something and lose her too. Sounds stupid but that was my thought process. So I stopped and I’ve missed it ever since. And so has my body. 

I’m not sure how I function with what I have going on right now body wise. I’ll stand up sometimes and feel like my hips are going to give out on me. I’m not that old but good grief. I’ve never been limber but even attempting to touch my toes is a joke. When I look down at them it’s so far it’s like looking over a cliff. My body is so STIFF when I was doing yoga, I felt like things were going to tear with each movement. Needless to say I’m going to be taking it slow. 

I love yoga because I bever feel like I’m working out. I don’t ever feel like I don’t want to do it or that I have to. It makes me feel so good physically, spiritually and emotionally that when I stop doing it it effects me.

Today after yoga I started my meditation. I’ve been thinking a lot about Averie and how the memories I have of her are getting so distant. It’s been over two years now. I kick myself for not taking more videos and I can’t cherish the one and only one that I have enough. I decided to take a break and pull up her video.  I cried as I watched her beautiful little face and listened to her cute noises. 

The video makes her seem so real still. It’s almost a validation that she was real, I didn’t just make her up in my mind. She was here with us, and still very much is. She’s in me, and Zach and now Isabella. 

As I watch Isabella grow I find myself wondering what Averie would have been like. Would she been the same way? Or completely the opposite? Some people wonder why us parents feel like our hearts been ripped out when we lose a baby because we didn’t raise them or didn’t know them. I can honestly say I KNEW my daughter. I knew what foods she liked, when she liked to sleep or be awake. Sure I didn’t get to know her but that’s exactly why we feel like our world has crashed down around us. From the moment we find out we are pregnant we have dreams, aspirations for our child. We have all these things planned out in our mind, so much excitement to see what our little ones will be like and become. We are robbed of any chance of seeing our children’s “firsts”, seeing their personalities, or being able to brag about how smart they are. It is the unknown that kills us because it will forever be an unknown. 

While we watch other children grow up around us we can’t help but feel jealous knowing that others will get to raise their children. Even though Isabella is here I still feel that twinge of jealously. Because most people have all their children and I am still missing one of mine. 

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2 Comments

  1. Joli

    March 26, 2017 at 2:16 pm

    I started back at yoga 7 weeks after having my Jonah. I had stopped working out while I was pregnant with him, because he was sick and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything but sit on the couch and feel him move and kick. My very first class was hard emotionally, but it felt SO good. It’s such a good way to reconnect with your body…especially with my anger toward mine for “letting” Jonah get sick. Connecting breath with movement always makes me feel revitalized <3

    1. Crystal S

      March 27, 2017 at 10:08 am

      I don’t blame you for stopping just to feel his little kicks everyday. I had an intense emotional experience when I started yoga after my daughter died. It is amazing how it reconnects you with yourself, with your soul. I don’t know how I made it a year without it. xx

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