Triggers & randoms

Zach and I watched this movie a few months ago and when I heard this particular quote during the movie all I could think was “yes”. I know there are people who think that grief will eventually end when you lose a child. That one day we will just wake up and be “fixed” and nothing ever will bother us again. In a perfect world maybe, but this world is anything but perfect.

I’ve read a lot of posts lately of people talking about the insensitive things that have been said to them after their loss. I email another loss Mom that has been treated poorly by someone she was close to because of the way she chose to grieve. It blows my mind that some people can be so insensitive and lack total empathy. I know if the tables were turned and those things were being said to them it wouldn’t sit well, so why do they say them?

My friend Randi wrote a post the other day that resonated so much with me. I felt like she had stolen some of my thoughts. It was another one of those “yes” moments when I read it, and if I could I would share it with everyone that knows someone who has lost a child. Read it HERE and share it. Think before you speak, and let people grieve the way they need to, not how you want them to.

Recently I’ve connected with another loss Mother that lost her daughter to a drunk driver. We have completely two different stories and experiences but are able to connect because we have both lost a child. She has never treated my loss of Averie insignificant because I lost her as a baby, when so many people I’m sure would. It may sound strange, but I have often wondered what it would have been like to lose Averie later in life. Would it have been harder, easier, the same?? All questions I will never have answered. Diane’s posts always bring me to tears. She writes so honestly and so beautifully. She asked me recently to write a guest post, another perspective of the loss of a child, which she posted here. Thank you again Diane for sharing my words.

Lately, triggers have been like land mines. I have no idea where they are until they blow up in my face. I love that people love Isabella, because I love her so much BUT I love her sister too. In my grief ridden mind I’ll send a picture to someone or post a picture somewhere and when she’s being ooo’d and ahhh’d over there is this underlying sadness or immense guilt because nobody is doing that for Averie. When someone doesn’t bring up Averie I find myself getting upset. I can’t expect people to bring her up but when they don’t it freaking hurts.

I’ve heard comments about Isabella before like “She’s my favorite” or “I love this girl so much” and without hesitation in my mind pops up “What about Averie?”. My ultimate fear is that people will forget Averie. I want to scream to people Isabella has a sister, that they have another niece or grandchild!! Obviously they know that, but the desire to have her brought up is so strong at times, that in my mind, screaming would ease some of the pain I feel.

My other worry though, is that Isabella will feel like she’s forever in the shadow of her sister. I know I’ve written about this several times, but it’s still very much there. She deserves to be ooo’d and ahhh’d over, she deserves endless love, she deserves it all. How do I parent a child that isn’t here without screwing up the one that is??

I’m just trying to do the best I can, I really.

 

 

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4 Comments

  1. Ashlee Claytor

    May 30, 2017 at 7:51 pm

    Loved this article you wrote. Grieving is so different for everyone. People really don’t understand until the go through it unfortunately.

    1. Crystal

      June 8, 2017 at 2:09 pm

      Thank you so much and I agree completely. Nobody understands until they go through it!

  2. Jenna

    May 31, 2017 at 11:17 pm

    Why do people think you need to be ‘healed’ or ‘better’ by a certain date? It really irritates me. I often times want to throw their comment back in their face – do you think 3 months would be a sufficient time, to heal, if your child died?
    Thank you for sharing Randi’s post. She wrote so eloquently about grief; it really resonated with me.
    We don’t have our rainbow yet, but I imagine parenting after loss comes with a whole set of difficulties. In my mind, there is no right way to navigate that road. All anyone can do is their best. You are a wonderful Mom to both daughters.
    Sending hugs

    1. Crystal

      June 7, 2017 at 8:50 pm

      Thank you so much Jenna for your kind words! I think the only reason anyone would put a date on your grief is for them to feel better about things because it’s certainly not for the benefit of us that are grieving. Randi is such an amazing person! I’m so glad you read her post and it resonated with you. That was my hope it would touch another because it certainly did with me! Hugs my friend xx

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