Triggers & randoms
Zach and I watched this movie a few months ago and when I heard this particular quote during the movie all I could think was “yes”. I know there are people who think that grief will eventually end when you lose a child. That one day we will just wake up and be “fixed” and nothing ever will bother us again. In a perfect world maybe, but this world is anything but perfect.
I’ve read a lot of posts lately of people talking about the insensitive things that have been said to them after their loss. I email another loss Mom that has been treated poorly by someone she was close to because of the way she chose to grieve. It blows my mind that some people can be so insensitive and lack total empathy. I know if the tables were turned and those things were being said to them it wouldn’t sit well, so why do they say them?
My friend Randi wrote a post the other day that resonated so much with me. I felt like she had stolen some of my thoughts. It was another one of those “yes” moments when I read it, and if I could I would share it with everyone that knows someone who has lost a child. Read it HERE and share it. Think before you speak, and let people grieve the way they need to, not how you want them to.
Recently I’ve connected with another loss Mother that lost her daughter to a drunk driver. We have completely two different stories and experiences but are able to connect because we have both lost a child. She has never treated my loss of Averie insignificant because I lost her as a baby, when so many people I’m sure would. It may sound strange, but I have often wondered what it would have been like to lose Averie later in life. Would it have been harder, easier, the same?? All questions I will never have answered. Diane’s posts always bring me to tears. She writes so honestly and so beautifully. She asked me recently to write a guest post, another perspective of the loss of a child, which she posted here. Thank you again Diane for sharing my words.
Lately, triggers have been like land mines. I have no idea where they are until they blow up in my face. I love that people love Isabella, because I love her so much BUT I love her sister too. In my grief ridden mind I’ll send a picture to someone or post a picture somewhere and when she’s being ooo’d and ahhh’d over there is this underlying sadness or immense guilt because nobody is doing that for Averie. When someone doesn’t bring up Averie I find myself getting upset. I can’t expect people to bring her up but when they don’t it freaking hurts.
I’ve heard comments about Isabella before like “She’s my favorite” or “I love this girl so much” and without hesitation in my mind pops up “What about Averie?”. My ultimate fear is that people will forget Averie. I want to scream to people Isabella has a sister, that they have another niece or grandchild!! Obviously they know that, but the desire to have her brought up is so strong at times, that in my mind, screaming would ease some of the pain I feel.
My other worry though, is that Isabella will feel like she’s forever in the shadow of her sister. I know I’ve written about this several times, but it’s still very much there. She deserves to be ooo’d and ahhh’d over, she deserves endless love, she deserves it all. How do I parent a child that isn’t here without screwing up the one that is??
I’m just trying to do the best I can, I really.