Under the surface
Sometimes I like to look back in my phone at my photos from this time last year and the years previous. For whatever reason I like to compare my emotions from one year to the next. Last year this time I was about 17 weeks pregnant with Isabella. Our anatomy scan was coming up and I was doing everything in my power to keep myself calm. I can still feel that anxiety of pregnancy after loss. Like an aftershock from an earthquake it’s very much still there. So much that it keeps me from thinking we will ever have any other living children, despite the yearning for just one more.
The only picture I have in my phone from June 2015, the year we lost our beautiful Averie, is a picture of a breathtaking river. The green trees are reflected in the calm water like a mirror. I remember driving by that river in awe of the scene that lay before me. How vibrantly green the trees were, how calm it all looked. Maybe I was drawn to it because I love nature and beauty, or maybe I was drawn to it because it felt peaceful. Something I know I wasn’t feeling at the time. I felt like the water, on the surface I looked incredibly calm, but below was a whole other story.
Today in the present I wonder what I will think in a year when I look at the pictures from now. Most are of Isabella obviously. I know I will love to see the face of my sweet second daughter and look back with so much love at her at just 7 months old. Will I remember the feelings I’ve been feeling lately though? Like how I feel incredibly lonely. Like a branch that’s bending, sometimes I wonder when it gets windy enough I might break. How my mind will not quiet down. So much so sometimes I want to physically scream STOP.
I escape frequently in my memories to another time. A time before my heart broke, a time before the memories of my daughter taking her last breath, a time when pregnancy was innocent and exciting, a time when things were much much easier. When life was simple.
Like previous years I know these feelings will change. I won’t be here in this place emotionally forever. I will have moved on to something else. That alone is what keeps me going but also breaks me more. Knowing that nothing is permanent is a double-edged sword. Hope that I can be done with these feelings of despair but sadness that what does bring me happiness will end one day.
[Screaming on the inside]