19 Triggers and Counting

I am a HUGE fan of reality television. Like I told Zach the other day, I can’t really handle the heavy stuff right now, so drama’s aren’t usually on my list. Reality television is light and fluffy and full of so much drama it makes me squeal. Most of the time I feel safe while watching a reality show.

The other day I ventured out of my usual reality shows and found myself watching the spin off from 19 Kids and Counting. Yeah the show about a family with 19 kids (they may have one or two more now). The spin off focuses on the two oldest daughters now married and having children. When I started watching it I thought “I should probably not watch this”. I had a feeling that the triggers would start popping up, but I stupidly kept watching.

Both girls were pregnant with their second children **triggered**. One was further then the other, but they were getting ready to listen to the babies heartbeats. The girl just 14 weeks along laid there while another sister searched for the heartbeat. The static from the doppler filled the air **triggered**. All I could think was they won’t be able to find a heartbeat. I listened as they naively laughed off that the baby was so small so it was harder to find it **triggered**. I kept watching.

The one daughter that was further along was just weeks from her due date. She talked about how she wasn’t ready for labor because with her first child she was rushed to the hospital for losing too much blood **triggered**. If you aren’t familiar with this family they all give birth at home with the help of a midwife. She ended up being fine, baby was fine but they were worried about it happening again. I kept watching **triggered**.

The daughter further along went into labor **triggered**. After only a few hours of labor a beautiful baby boy was born healthy **triggered**. Her husband talked about how worried he was once she started to deliver the placenta because that’s when things went badly last time **triggered**.

I watched as she lifted her baby up to her chest and cried out in happiness **triggered**. Then the next day introducing their older little one to his new brother **triggered**.  Towards the end of the show it was mentioned, that out of the whole HUGE family, this baby was the first that was born in February ***and triggered again**.

Once it was over I looked at Zach and said “probably shouldn’t have watched that.”

I learned about a few new triggers while watching that show, and that I have immense jealousy issues. Childbirth in general triggers me. Knowing that people can deliver in the comfort of their home without the help of medical intervention triggers me, and makes me feel a bit jealous too. I can’t do that, I wouldn’t dare do that because from my history things always go horribly wrong. I realized that I get triggered based on my fellow loss Mom’s experiences now. Like when they were trying to find the babies heartbeat. Any child born alive and healthy is a trigger. That one is strange because I don’t wish loss on ANYONE. My only explanation there is that it’s jealously again. Their baby was born healthy when one of mine was not.

Another trigger happened when the husband was concerned for his wife, and the thought “at least you got to see the birth of your children” popped up in my mind. I HATE that I have these negative thoughts towards people but I do. Huge trigger that their older child was able to meet their younger sibling. That speaks for itself.  And lastly February. Why did the baby have to be born in February? Ouch.

Needless to say I will probably find something else to watch next time.

Question: What are your biggest triggers? Were there any that you didn’t think that were triggers until you were surprised by them?

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