To those that want us to get over the loss of our child

There is a quote that I’ve seen circulate the loss community that goes:

“Before you tell a grieving parent to be grateful for the children they have, think about which one of yours you could live without.”

I’ve talked about this several times on various posts that when we say we “miss” our babies, it’s not necessarily the memories that we miss with them because they are so few and far between. It’s the MISSED memories. The pictures not taken, the milestones not met…everything.

As I watch Isabella grow and develop into this little women, my mind always wanders to Averie. I’ve spent countless hours dreaming about what my little girl would have been like. Who would she have looked like? What color of hair would she have had? The beautiful sound her of her voice would have made when she said “Mommy”. All of these things now are just a part of my imagination, almost like a fairy tale that will never come true.

I remember shortly after we lost Averie, Zach saying that he would never be able to walk his little girl down the aisle. The truth behind that statement hit me so hard. Hearing that felt like my heart was being torn into little pieces and then stomped on. That was just one of the many things we would never get to see our sweet girl do.

I’ve been thinking quite a lot about my sweet Averie lately. As I was taking pictures of Isabella yesterday for her 10 month birthday I took one where she is looking off a little to her left and up. In my mind I pictured a  2 1/2 year old Averie trying to get her sister to smile and telling her to “look at Mommy!”. As I write this now tears form in my eyes. This is the heartache of my life now. I am an adult but I day dream like a child.

If you are one that has told someone to be thankful for the children they have after they have lost a child, or if you are someone that has said “well at least you know you can get pregnant”. Any of these hurtful phrases, please think before you say them again to a parent grieving the loss of a child.

In your eyes it might just have been “a baby” we lost, but in ours we lost a tiny soul we love more then anything that we will never get to fully know. While you watch your children grow into their personalities we are forced to only dream of what our babies would have been like. We are forever haunted, on a daily basis, by the ghosts of what could have been.

Isabella at 10 months old


















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