Why we should never compare losses 

I still remember how the death of Averie was treated so casually by the horrible girl at the mall only a few months after we had lost her.  This girls exact words “Oh yeah I have 3”. You can read that full story here.

I’m going to go about this topic very carefully because I know it can be sensitive to a lot of women. So try not to read between the lines or take offense because all of this comes from a good place.

There is a saying in the loss community that a “loss is a loss”. Basically that across the board, regardless of how far along you were when you lost your baby, it’s all the same.

I’m writing this today to say that’s completely untrue. It’s true that if you lost your baby at 5 weeks it’s a loss, or if you lost your baby at 20 weeks it’s a loss and if your child passed at full term. But they are not all one in the same.

To me no loss should be minimized period. I think that’s where the phrase “a loss is a loss” has come from. To many women trying to fight for their right to grieve.

With each loss comes grief but different with circumstance and it varies with each person.

When a women miscarries early and doesn’t know the gender, she may hurt because she never knew what that little soul could have been. She may hurt from the loneliness because what was real to her never was real to anyone else because that baby was never born.

We that lost our babies close or full term hurt because we held our sweet babies, took in their little faces only to go home with empty arms. Pictures of them all over our homes, their clothes still hanging in the closet.

Since being a part of the loss community I’ve witnessed a lot of “comparing” which usually ends in upset or people getting offended. I once saw a women ask if there was a specific group for just 3rd trimester losses in a group opened for any type of loss, and a bunch of women that hadn’t had a 3rd trimester loss jumped down her throat. They didn’t understand why she wanted to be a part of another group.

I think the women getting offended were assuming she thought their losses were less significant because they didn’t happen in the 3rd trimester. I don’t think in any way that is why the Mother wanted to be in a different group. Depending on our losses we relate to others differently.

I will never tell a Mother that has had a miscarriage that I know how she feels because I’ve lost a daughter at 33 weeks. As I would expect they would never do the same to me.

I hurt for the women that have felt like their losses have been minimized. And as society changes I think so will people’s opinions about miscarriage and baby loss.

But until then let’s, not compare our losses. I think saying “a loss is a loss” opens the door to that and that’s usually when the claws come out. Let’s just love each other and support one another through our grief because the simple fact is we are all hurting. No more “I know what you’ve been through” just a “I’m sorry for your loss I’ve experienced a loss too.”

Tell me how you feel about this subject and comment below!

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4 Comments

  1. Katy

    September 5, 2017 at 2:42 am

    I have thoughts. And I agree with you. I had an early miscarriage that, honestly, I saw as a set back at the time, but I’m very careful to share that story because I know women who were devastated at losing a child at the same time in their pregnancy, and I think they are allowed to grieve how they need to.
    That being said, I’ve also had two daughters lost at 24 weeks and 27 weeks. I cannot begin to count the amount of women who didn’t realize I actually delivered those two girls. Epidural, pushing, all of it. Their urns are in our living room in a place of honor. They have death certificates. They didn’t just exist in my heart, they exist in the state we live in. I feel like even though all of that is true, I have to fight for their existence in every conversation.

    1. Crystal

      September 7, 2017 at 6:37 pm

      Thank you so much for your thoughts Katy! I appreciate your insight into the difference between your miscarriage and losing your precious daughters. It saddens me so much that our angels are treated as though sometimes like they didn’t exist. Like you said, we shouldn’t have to fight for their existence in a conversation, but naturally because they are not here physically we have to. The pain of going through everything we went through was not for them to be forgotten. I have found myself despite the discomfort it may bring, bringing Averie up as often as I can. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with me ((hugs)) xx

  2. Davinna Kunz

    September 5, 2017 at 3:24 am

    I love this post! I’ve had 3 miscarriages, and my stillborn baby girl Lucy at 30 weeks, and while I was sad about my early first term losses, none of those came close to losing Lucy. I held her, fought for her, and kissed her forehead as a laid her swaddles body into a casket. That pain of watching my three older children say goodbye to their baby sister is an emotional moment that will be in my heart forever. Where as they don’t even know about my miscarriages. I love when people that don’t know what to say, just say “I love you” or “I’m sorry for your loss”. I think saying less is more to a mom who has had a loss. That’s just my experience and opinion. Thank you for sharing this post! 😘

    1. Crystal

      September 5, 2017 at 4:51 pm

      Thank you Davinna for sharing your opinion!! yes I think simple things like “I’m sorry for your loss” is the best way to approach any loss. I can’t even imagine having to see older children saying goodbye to their little sister. What an emotional and heart wrenching moment that was for you and your sweet little family. Sending so much love to you my friend!! xx

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