To the ones that just get it
I’m sitting here watching Isabella cruise around the room in her walker. Her hands full of crackers and crumbs all over her face. She runs full speed towards the dogs and full belly laughs as she gets closer to them. They run for their lives afraid they will be taken out by a toddler on a mission.
My baby girl is almost one. ONE.
I don’t feel like the reality behind that has set in for me yet. Or maybe it’s that I don’t want to accept it. Because if I accept that, then I have to accept that time is still ticking and each day Isabella gets older is another day further from the last time we saw Averie.
The last few weeks I’ve felt the extreme heaviness of grief again. I’ll be sitting there looking down at Isabella while she eats or sleeps and I see Averie. I close my eyes at night and see her sweet face.
My mind has gone back to the dark days in the hospital. Staring off at the wall wishing that when I closed my eyes to fall asleep that maybe they would never reopen and I could be with my baby girl again.
I replay the moment we said goodbye to our sweet girl. Watching her take her final breath all while screaming in my mind that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t watch her gasp for air. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t but I had to.
They then wrapped her in a blanket and set her in my arms while they pushed me back to my room. I kept my head down low because I didn’t want to make eye contact with anyone for fear they would congratulate me not knowing my baby girl lay still in my arms.
These are the nightmares that replay in my mind. The thing is with nightmares they usually don’t happen or won’t happen. But mine did.
Zach and I lived a nightmare. And we are still living it.
So when someone doesn’t acknowledge Averie I want to scream. I want to yell, I want to stomp my feet and I want to break something.
Zach and I don’t share this immense pain to have her be forgotten. We didn’t go through what we did for her to not to be mentioned.
I’m so thankful for the people in our life that just get it. That bring her up to just mention her name. To include her in important moments in our lives.
My amazing friends in New York included Averie in Isabella’s baby shower last year. They got balloons for us to set off to our sweet girl. The most touching part about it is my New York friends didn’t even know us at the time we lost Averie. But they did know how much it would mean to us.
Just this last week a very close family friend asked if she could do a cake for Averie as well to have at Izzy’s 1st birthday. She made my day, actually my week by just asking me if she could include our oldest girl during her sisters special day.
I’m particularly thankful for Izzy and Averie’s two Grandmas. My Mom has a picture up of Averie at her house and turns on her candle every night. I can always count on her to hear Averie’s name. She loves my two girls so much, she just gets it.