Alone

I’m sitting here on my couch completely alone. Isabella is asleep in her room. This probably doesn’t sound like anything out of the norm but it is for me.

Up until three days ago Isabella was still sleeping with me and nursing on and off through the night. Something we had been doing for over a year. I woke up one morning after another night of barely any sleep and realized it was time for my baby to sleep on her own.

At the time this sounded like the best thing because I knew deep down we weren’t doing each other any favors. I woke her up just as much as she woke me. After a year we both needed our sleep.

This process has been emotional and I knew it would be but everything amped up the second night, last night.

Life happens, keeps moving regardless if we are ready for it to. I’ve done my best to live in the moment and take everything in as I watch my daughter grow. No matter what though, I feel like the last year went by with a blink of an eye.

Isabella turned 1 on October 29th and I seriously have no idea how that happened. I know people say that but honestly how?? Where did the time go? How is my baby a toddler?

Last night I was overcome with so much emotion. I went to bed and thought of everything that we’ve been through in the last 4 years. I laid there and screamed inside as I cried. A flood of anger came over me and I just let myself feel everything.

I’m not sure if this a normal thing to feel when your child reaches such milestones but I feel like a part of me is losing my precious girl. This is the start of her independence. She won’t need her Mommy forever. But I need her.

This little girl has brought so much freaking light to our lives. She has helped me as I grieve for her sister. To be able to hold her and love on her gives me hope that I so need most days.

I still haven’t gotten any sleep the last few nights, though Isabella has been a champ and done so well. Instead I lay there missing my little girl curled up next to me, missing the little sounds she makes, the way she runs her soft little hand on my chest while she nurses.

I’m feeling the way I felt before we lost Averie. I just want to freeze time. It’s going by way to freaking fast and I may think I’m ready but I’m in no way prepared.

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