Hiding & the Holidays
Lately I’ve been hiding. Hiding from my blog, hiding from social media, hiding from the loss community.
I am pretty good about not dealing with things. I tend to push things down and go about my business. I think subconsciously I’m hiding to appear “normal”. Regardless of how I appear I know that I can’t run from the fact that my life is never going to be normal.
Last night I laid in bed trying to force myself to go to sleep so I wouldn’t have to keep thinking. I kept asking myself “am I crazy?” I know that after you a lose a child your thoughts aren’t normal. I question mine all the time. Sometimes it’s nice to feel validated. Who am kidding, it’s ALWAYS nice to feel validated. That’s why I love the loss community because they validate me. So why am I hiding from them?
The Holidays are upon us now and I find myself turning on Christmas music. I can’t decide if it’s for me or if I am doing it for Isabella because I want her life to be as normal as possible. There is that word again “normal”.
We put up our Christmas tree and did some decorating but let the truth be known I am not a fan of this time of year.
I keep getting flash backs of the first Christmas without Averie. It feels like it was just yesterday. My heart completely crushed but how much I tried to carry on and be “normal” and happy.
The reality was our life wasn’t normal, it still isn’t.
In a few months Averie would have been three. THREE. Sometimes I think I’m less relevant now because my baby didn’t just pass. Sometimes I think what can I possibly say that hasn’t already been said?
I started this blog to carry on my girls legacy. To keep her little spirit alive and to help others that go through what we had to. I can’t do this by hiding.
No more pretending to appear normal. I am broken and always will be, and that’s ok.