Another Christmas come and gone
Christmas is finally over, and I would be lying if I said I haven’t let out a sigh of relief. When I was a child Christmas was incredibly magical. The anticipation of Santa’s visit and what he would leave, along with the music and “magic” in the air. Now that I’m an adult and the magic has faded Christmas more or less is my least favorite time of the year. I didn’t want to be a scrooge, I really didn’t, especially because of Isabella. I want her to love Christmas. But not because she can expect to get presents. I want her to feel like this is the time of year to remember others and give back to those that are in need.
Christmas day was bitter sweet. Being able to watch our sweet Isabella open her presents and play with her toys made me incredibly happy. Averie, however, was constantly on my mind. My emotions were (and still are ) running incredibly high and the tears were frequent that day. I just can’t believe that we have had 3 Christmas’s without Averie. It just doesn’t seem right.
A few days before Christmas I typed up all the angel names of loss Momma’s I follow on Instagram and took pictures of them in my Averie’s Angel tree. It made me incredibly happy to be able to bring joy to a Mom seeing their sweet babies name, but I felt so sad because there were so many of them. So many sweet babies that are so missed and so loved.
That same day I had a conversation with a fellow loss Mom. She lost her child a little bit before we lost Averie. I asked her if I was crazy because I felt like each year got harder without her. She said I wasn’t, and that she felt the same way. It felt so good to be validated. Some people think that having Isabella here makes it easier, and as much as that perfect sweetheart has healed my heart, it doesn’t make it easier. I watch her grow and I wonder what her sister would have been like. When she hits milestones and learns new things my Momma heart just explodes, but I feel so sad that I will never be able to see Averie hit the same milestones or learn the same things. That’s why it gets harder. Isabella will always be learning new things, growing & hitting milestones and Averie will not.
Now that 2017 is coming to a close I can feel that familiar pit in my stomach as February gets closer. Averie’s birthday looms over me. I am not sure how I’m going to feel on her 3rd birthday, I may smile when I wake up or I make wake up distraught. For now, I will just be hopeful that I will make it through the day.
I love you Averie, always and forever I’ll be missing you.