Last night I laid in bed after the clock had struck Midnight. Fireworks were going off all over the valley and the frequent booms kept me awake. I pulled up my email that I rarely check, and started going through the hundreds of unopened messages. One email caught my eye so I decided to check it out. The title was “7 Ways to Boost Self-Love As You Move Into A New Year”.
2017 was a hard year for me, and at some point I lost my light. I became bitter again, hard headed and very cold hearted. The thing about me is I never allow myself to wallow to much or to stay in such a negative place for to long. I’m constantly trying to work on myself and to be a better happier person. But for some reason this time around I just couldn’t shake it. I have been the person I usually can’t stand to be around. So when I saw this article I thought I could really use this.
The first thing they mentioned was to forgive myself for something. Their suggestion was to pick something big, like their example, “staying in a toxic relationship too long” and also picking something small and then forgiving myself for both. When I read their example of a big thing I instantly thought, if staying in a toxic relationship for too long was my big thing I wouldn’t be in this place right now. That would be a walk in the park.
What happens when your big thing is that you haven’t fully forgiven yourself for allowing your baby to die? For not going to the ER sooner when you KNEW that something wasn’t right but didn’t want to be “that” women. How does one forgive themselves for that? The truth is, I thought I had forgiven myself, but it’s quite obvious that I haven’t.
I had a realization that because of this, my Mom guilt is 1000x what it probably should be. I find guilt in the slightest of things. I told myself I was a bad Mom the other day because I forgot to switch out Averie’s light by her urn. When I post a picture of Isabella and do not mention Averie, I FEEL SO MUCH GUILT. I understand that all of this guilt stems from the guilt of losing her. I can’t forgive myself therefore I let the guilt consume me. This feeling is incredibly debilitating.
In 2018 my main goal is to find my light again, and somehow figure out a way to forgive myself & learn to love myself again. I want this year to be a celebration of Averie instead of a deep dark hole of pain. I want to give back to other’s and keep spreading the legacy of my sweet girl. I want to inspire and be inspired. To find happiness in all things despite all the tragedy. To be the best Mother, wife, sister, daughter & friend I can possibly be. I still believe that life can be beautiful and that moments and memories are better then any material item, and I hope to always keep that belief.
Hello 2018. Here’s to finding my light again.