After Averie passed my mind instantly expanded. I saw life through a different set of eyes that I may not have previously used. Life’s purpose changed for me, and mostly for the good. Each day I feel like I’m able to learn a lesson. I take the time to absorb things and in the sweetest moments I try to stay and take it all in.
Granted, for awhile there I fell of the wagon. I got bitter and angry and the harshness of life took over my soul. But I can honestly say I feel like I’m back. Some of you may question me and think “that was fast” but I don’t care. I now how I feel and that’s all that matters.
Tonight while putting Isabella down for bed I hugged her extra tight. During our embrace my mind went to after Averie had passed and emotions I felt. My arms empty, my breasts full of milk and my heart completely broken. As I held on to this tiny perfect being my heart just swelled. There was a time I didn’t think I would ever experience this. A time when hope was non existent and every day I woke up in the morning wishing I hadn’t.
It is amazing to think that we are here, still standing, almost 3 years later.
Isabella is hilarious and likes to watch herself on the videos I have on my phone. The other day we had watched all of them so we started to watch the ones that came before her. It’s important to state that if she gets bored with a video she reaches out her little hand and tries to swipe the screen down. Yes I know, it scares me she knows how to do that.
I had scrolled up so far on my phone I found myself staring down at the one video I have of Averie. I just had to play it, because it had been awhile since I had seen it. I hit the play button and watched Isabella stare down at her sister. They look so much alike. Tears welled up in my eyes and she sat there through the whole 21 seconds. She may have thought it was her, or she may have realized the significance of the video. Either way she sat there content watching her sister. It’s moments like that I wish I could freeze. These are the moments that truly make life.
Earlier today while I did some work for The Nest on Main, I saw a message request in the Instagram messages. I clicked on it to see a comment from a customer that taught me another life lesson. We have an ad going for a beanie for just $5.49. It’s important to state that my sister is making NO money on these plus $5.49 is a steal. The customer had messaged us to let us know that she wasn’t saving any money after all because she had to pay for shipping. After reading it, a million things went through my mind. The first thing was that I couldn’t believe someone would complain about paying an extra few dollars for shipping when we live in a world where something tragic happens every second if not more. Millions of people’s lives change daily and there are people that worry about saving a few bucks. The second thing is I wanted to write “boo hoo”.
I’ve always known these people existed, and quite frankly I’m pretty sure I used to be one of them. But after living through such a tragedy and braving this lifelong storm, you start to think differently about what upsets us and what doesn’t. I am in no way grateful we lost Averie, but I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned and continue to learn everyday. I do not want to ever be “that person” again.
In the big scale of things these particular things to not matter and I am so glad I can recognize that now.