After losing our daughter our hearts have been broken and our arms have felt empty. It’s common for couples after going through such a loss to want to get pregnant right away. It has in no way to do with replacing that child but simply a yearning for a baby. Upon going home after the hospital my body still showed signs of giving birth. I had a scar to prove it. My milk came in a few days later with no precious baby to feed. After a torturous week of putting cabbage on everyday in hopes to get the milk to go down I walked around broken heartened smelling like coleslaw. After what felt like forever, 4 months went by and my husband and I decided we could start trying for another beautiful baby. Despite fears I have due to the outcome of my last pregnancy we decided to go for it. I was so fearful of it taking awhile to get pregnant that I stocked up on ovulation sticks, sperm friendly lube and all the vitamins you could think of. With sweet baby Averie we were lucky and tried just once with her. I wasn’t expecting the same outcome but deep down I was just wishing it would be that way. The first month went by and nothing. Then the next and still the ugly red witch showed her face. I started questioning whether I was ovulating despite getting a surge every month on the ovulation strips so I decided to take my basel body temperature to confirm ovulation the next month. Zach’s schedule was very early that month so making sure I had 3 consistant hours of sleep before taking my temperature was proving to be very difficult. I set my alarm for 3:30 am every morning. One to take my temperature and 2 to wake up Zach before his alarm would go off at 4. Not only had it been difficult for me to fall asleep for the last few months, sleeping through the night was another thing. I rarely would sleep through the night. Despite my crazy sleeping habits my temperature showed that I was in fact ovulating. I felt relieved! Fast forward two weeks later I was anticipating my period and it didn’t come. My cycles are very regular so when I don’t get my period it’s not normal. After a day late I took a pregnancy test. Nothing. Not even a hint of line. The second late day I didn’t feel the need to take a test I didn’t want to see the negative result. After the 3rd late day it finally came. At that moment I knew I was done with TTC. I thought back on the following months and how stressed out the whole process was making me. How I had developed an unhealthy relationship with my body. I had already felt my body had let me down due to losing our baby but each month without getting pregnant made me despise my body even more. After each month of no pregnancy it starts to effect you. I have the so much respect for those that have fertility problems because it was only a few months of trying and the toll it was taking on me was not healthy. Especially after we had just suffered such a loss. I spoke with a few family members that urged me to just stop trying. That is usually when it happens because stress can effect your fertility so much. Thing is that’s easier said then done but I know for myself and for my relationship with my husband that’s what has to happen. The last few days I have already felt such relief and have fallen asleep without any help and slept through the night. My focus the next few months is enjoying my husband and the holidays and keeping myself busy working on myself both mentally and physically. We will have more children but just not right at this second, and I’m learning to be ok with that.