I hope people don’t take this post as though I am attacking anyone. I am just saying what I feel and I’ll try to do it with the utmost kindness that I can. I understand that it’s incredibly hard to come up with words for someone that has gone through something tragic. I think it’s hard to come up with words period when you don’t truly understand how someone feels. For the most part we didn’t get a whole lot of “I know how you feel” when you know in fact they don’t really have any clue how you feel. I am sorry if you lost your grandma or even a close friend but until you have lost a baby please don’t say that. And when I say baby I mean going through labor and delivering that baby. I do not discredit women that have suffered a miscarriage I understand that its a loss but it is not the same thing. Period. A word of advice to anyone that feels like they can connect with someone that way it most likely will end very badly.
A few months after losing our baby girl we decided to make a trip to the mall. As I stated in an earlier post I hated going out in public because I felt like the universe would bring out the babies and the pregnant women just to throw in my face, reminding me that we don’t have our baby. Thus going out in public wasn’t my favorite thing to do. The new Jurassic World had just come out and Zach and I were excited to see it. We got there a little early so we decided to go through a few stores. As we passed one of the stores in the mall we heard someone saying “Hey come here!” I looked over and it was the wife of a fellow soldier that Zach works with. I had seen her time to time but she had never made an effort to talk to either of us. Something smelt fishy. She proceeded to talk to us like we were her long lost best friends and I kept thinking…am I missing something?? Then the real reason she called us over was revealed. She wanted us to open a line of credit at the store she worked at because of course she would get a kick back. That’s why we were her best friends all the sudden. Now it made sense. I turned it down because I didn’t want it or want my credit pulled so of course she asked Zach if he wanted to do it alone. We were in a bad spot because normally I would say “no thank you leave us alone” and walk out. But her husband worked with Zach and he looked up to him. He told her he would do it and she went on to gather his information. Not cool. After he was approved we kept talking to her. First impression from our conversations: not someone I would normally have anything to do with. She was extremely narcissistic and between being a know it all at EVERYTHING (I’m not exaggerating one bit I promise!) she just rubbed me the wrong way. She said horrible things about people Zach worked with and kept referring to Zach as “being young” almost like he didn’t know anything. I kept checking the time in hopes that we had to leave to get to the movie. It wasn’t time yet so we were forced to sit through some more of the “all about her” show. We started talking about tattoos. Zach has been wanting to get one of Averie’s name and birthdate. We explained we just lost our daughter and she quickly replied with “Oh yeah I have 3”. After she said that I sat there in shock. She had 3?? 3 what? She then told us that his idea for a tattoo was a bad idea. Still recovering from the comment she made earlier I asked her why she would tell us it was a bad idea. She said “because then you won’t forget and it’s harder to move on” It was at that moment that I realized what she was talking about. Had it not been for a random comment earlier about how she has fertility problems (yes the conversation went there) I wouldn’t have known what she was talking about. Lightbulb. She had had 3 miscarriages. Anger started to boil inside of me because of what she said and I pushed it rapidly down. I said “why would we want to forget her? We have her pictures on our walls and have her urn in our living room!” After I said that she said nothing or at least in those moments afterward I heard nothing else. She had NO clue that when I said we had lost our daughter that I was not referring to a miscarriage. I would have thought the fact that I said “daughter” was a dead giveaway. Especially to a know it all. I couldn’t believe, not only the cold hard way she spoke to us about it, but just her whole demeanor in general. I felt truly sorry for her in that moment. We walked away and my blood was still boiling. I tried to push it away, to not dwell on, it but it worked on me. Frequently during the movie I would just get this sick feeling inside. I needed to talk about it because a part of me wanted to march back over to her and tell her how wrong she was! How she acted like what we had just been through was “no big deal”. I wanted to scream at her and tell her how we had to watch our daughter take her last breath and pass away in our arms and there was NOTHING we could do. I wanted to tell her how Averie looked so much like her daddy and that when I look at him I see her. I wanted to tell her that I had her clothes and her things tucked away in a closet because I was to scared and heart broken to see them. Averie had been born and had touched so many lives in the short time she was here. Even months after all of this happened I still get incredibly sick about it.
When we go to the mall I make an effort to not go near that store because I’m still afraid of what I might say to her. If anything I learned a valuable lesson. If someone is hurting kind words is all they need. A tragedy is not a time to “one up” someone or try to prove your pain is greater or worse. I will never tell a women that suffers a miscarriage that it is “no big deal” because I understand that their pain is real. When someone loses their grandma or grandpa I don’t say “oh yeah I have 4” because I have lost all of mine. You say “I’m so sorry for your loss” and you handle them with care and love. Period.