In the car coming back from Salem, MA this weekend a few wisps of snow floated down and kissed the windshield. Zach had told me a week prior that it was supposed to snow. I didn’t believe it, nor wanted to. The winter is brutal in upstate New York. But that wasn’t the reason for my disbelief. Snow would mean the end of another season, and the start of the one when we lost our little girl. Accepting the snow would mean I would have to accept that the earth is still rotating and that life is still going on around me. While everyone anticipates the upcoming holidays I wish so badly that time would slow down or stop so that I don’t have to endure the holidays without her. It feels as though I am preparing for a battle that I know will take place. A battle between my emotions my mind and my heart. My emotions will get the best of me. My mind will tell me to be strong but my heart will ache and be broken. As always I will fight bravely and come out alive, but will forever be changed.
My saddest reality is that holidays will come and go, people will get older, winter will happen. Milestones that we anticipated before her birth will haunt us and we will be forced to learn how to brave each one of them. But despite time that continues to go on, there will always be a huge part of me that will forever be stuck in the past. You might say, don’t live in the past. But I want to, for that’s where my daughter was born, and where she lived her short beautiful life.