I have heard that when you suffer a loss a part of your innocence is stolen. It’s a part of you that you can never get back. I now look at the world in a whole new light and think back to my “old” self often. How easy I had it before. How naive I was. That innocence that was taken from me has made me more sympathetic, more understanding, more thoughtful, more aware. I see those that are close to me in a whole new light. Like precious beings that cannot be replaced. Though being striped of my innocence has created more love, it has created bitter as well. I’ve noticed I cringe often when I hear people say hateful or rude things. I don’t claim to be perfect but don’t understand the need when it is just to cause pain. I am intolerant with those that like to complain about their children or say horrible things about their teenagers. I want to shake them and tell them that at least their child is alive and healthy. My views on death have flooded my everyday life and in some ways have become an obsession. I view my age as a huge negative and look at time as something that goes far to quickly. I anticipate the loss of others in my life and have readily set myself up for more heartache because I love way to many people. I question life and it’s purpose because nothing anyone tries to say to me makes me believe any reason why my child should have been taken from me. Professionals may say I’m depressed or even those that are reading this, but I think it’s all just part of the process. I do not walk around my home in a state of constant sadness or feel like I have nothing to live for I just think a lot and I mean A LOT. I admit, I am just overly conscious about everything. I recently found an old photo my brother took of me 2 years ago. I sat and stared at it for awhile trying to remember that person I was. That girl so unaware of the horrible heartache that she would go through. So naive of the tragedies in life. I am fully aware I am no longer that person, that my eyes have been opened, my innocence taken from me. And in this moment, I accept that, and know I will never be the same.