There is a room in my house that the door usually always remains shut. We go in from time to time but the closet always stays closed and undisturbed. It has been like that for the past 8 months. I haven’t found the strength yet to open it. I am haunted constantly by the contents of this closet. When I’m in the room I’ve noticed that I avoid eye contact with it. Avoiding something that I could possibly see and then not have the ability to deal with it. All of Averie’s belongings sit behind this looming door. Every item that reminds me that she never made it home. Her car seat that we were supposed to bring her home in, the outfit I carefully picked out that would be the one she wore home from the hospital, the baby bath where we would give her her first bath. All the wonderful gifts we received from friends and family at her shower. Everything. It’s strange because I have her urn in my living room and I talk to her often. I have her pictures on my walls where I smile in admiration of her beauty, but her things I cannot face just yet. Zach and I will be moving to Germany next summer and the first thing I thought of was Averie’s things. I, at some point, will have to explain to the movers what I would like done with them. They may look at me and realize I’m not pregnant then wonder why they are packing a babies things when they see no baby. Hopefully no questions, just quizzicle looks.  I feel strongly in keeping them because they are hers. Some may say moving them to Germany doesn’t make sense but I can’t let them go, I just can’t. The last few months have been some of the biggest in growth so a part of me tells me to just look in the closet and face the fear while the part of me that likes to run and hide says no I just can’t. One side will win eventually, but until then I remain haunted. 

If you’ve dealt with this yourself or have great advice for me I would love to hear it 😊


4 thoughts on “Haunted

  1. First and foremost, I am deeply sorry for your loss. My daughter gave us a beautiful first grandchild in April 2009. Miss Rylie was our complete pride and joy. Due to domestic violence, we had the pleasure of raising her in our home along with her momma. To say she was our world is an understatement. We tragically lost her to Leukemia at age 3, and we were so severely broken. My daughter tried to go back to their condo, but after a night could not stand it any longer. She was constantly waiting for Rylie to peak around the corner of every room. She went to Rylie’s room that same day and dismantled it. I was really shaken and saddened not to have her room there where I could go and sit to feel close to her, but I k ew it was her way of coping, likely much like you, knowing it would be so painful to enter. I completely understand your terror of entering and beginning that process, but I promise it will become a source of happiness and rememberance for you in time…..your own time. Our minds definitely have a way of protecting our hearts while they try to heal. Be kind to yourself and allow your heart and mind to heal on their own time. The quickest thing I learned in this horrible club we never asked to be members of is do not worry what others think. YOUR feelings are very real and you have to take things on your schedule. If you carry that room with your for the next 10 years….then you just will! And no one gets to judge! God bless you and I pray for healing for your family.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tanya I am so sorry for your loss as well my heart breaks for you and your daughter. Thank you so much for your kind words and your advice!! You have put it so perfectly. I agree it’s my feelings and mine alone and I must do this in my time. Your advice was much needed thank you again so much ❤️


  2. I read your blog every time you post. We Lost our baby boy in November 2014. I have to say that I have felt similar things. Our loss was different in that we knew four months before it happened, but, despite that, there still things I just can’t face. It’s strange because there’s other things I’m around all the time. But those especially tender and sweet things are so hard to look at. The bassinet is especially hard for me. We finished our basement and had to move it upstairs. I bagged up all the other stuff in big black garbage bags so I wouldn’t have to look at it all the time. This was just too big to fit in a garbage bag and I had to have my husband put it somewhere discreetly. Maybe because it’s so tangible and looks so empty without him in it…. Like the outfit, the baby bath, and the car seat? I don’t think you’re crazy for wanting to take those things with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Brooke thank you so much for commenting and reading my blog. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is so nice to know I’m not alone in feeling this way. I agree seeing his bassinet would be incredibly hard and I don’t blame you for moving it upstairs. I think taking those things with me makes me feel like she’s coming with us as strange as that sounds. Your words have brought me so much comfort thank you! ❤️


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