Emotions

Feeling Ashamed Again

I think the hardest thing for me to get over, after losing Averie, was convincing myself that I wasn’t a bad mother. I say “get over” as though I actually have when really this subject still weighs heavily on my mind. It’s quite normal to blame yourself especially when your child’s life is taken while you are carrying her and in charge of protecting her. I remember lying there in bed a few days after coming home from the hospital crying to Zach about how I felt like it was all my fault. That I could have done something to prevent it. Going over and over in my head every major thing that happened leading up until that moment of loss. It didn’t matter what anyone told me I felt like a failure and a horrible mother for not being able to protect my little girl. When Zach and I had to make the  decison to take Averie off of life support I then again felt like such a terrible Mom. Watching her as she took her last breath felt so cruel to me. At one point she looked up at me with her big beautiful blue eyes and all I could imagine was that she was wondering why I was letting this happen and not doing anything about it. Watching her suffer was such a blow to me that I may never be able to escape it. In that moment “I can’t do this” was on repeat in my head. Yes another reason to call me a bad Mom. My daughter is dying in my arms and all I can think is I can’t do this. How incredibly selfish. She needed me in that moment and I wanted to start running. After we got back to our room with Averie’s little lifeless body in our arms they told us we could take as much time as needed with her. After about an hour the warmth was leaving her body and it was to hard to see her that way. We asked the nurse to take her but in the back of my mind I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. She told us she would put her in a room next to us that was unused until we were ready. Yet another time I felt like a HORRIBLE Mother. How could I not want my baby next to me? To selfish to say goodbye while she laid in a room alone without her mommy and daddy. My heart hurts just typing this. We of course said goodbye a few hours later but forgiving myself for taking that long and being so selfish has been a challenge. I am getting there but some days, like today, I feel those feelings again. They don’t come as often so that gives me hope that I’m making progress but when they do come up they still hurt as though it all happened yesterday. I’m not sure I still believe I’m a bad Mom. I think I did the best in such a tragic situation. I just hope that wherever Averie is that she knows that I love her unconditionally and I hope she forgives me. 

Has anyone felt familiar feelings?? 

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8 thoughts on “Feeling Ashamed Again

  1. You are not alone in these feelings. I’ve felt and still feel many of the same ones. I feel so ashamed and guilty that Matthew died when I was supposed to protect even though I know it wasn’t my fault. I also feel ashamed/guilty for not spending more time with him. I do what you said. I keep reminding myself that I did the very best I could under super traumatic circumstances that are unfair for anyone to ever have to face. I think our babies know how much they were/are loved. But it is so very difficult not to periodically question that. xoxo, Christine

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    1. Thank you for validating me I know us grieving mothers can make ourselves go crazy thinking about everything and even regardless of time things still come up so fresh like the day they happened! This is not an easy process. xoxox

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  2. Oh Crystal you are so far from a bad mom! I know Averie is SO proud to call you her mom. You are exactly right, you did the best you could in a horrible situation. You are so amazing and strong and I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t beat yourself up! I love you!!

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  3. Oh Crystal, my heart hurts for you. I hate that you feel so much guilt about those final moments. Little children are amazing at forgiving. Averie loves you so much and would never hold anything against you. Guilt is something that comes natural to a parent. I feel guilt all the time for not being a good mother, for telling my kids they will have to wait because I have to get work done, among other things. You really did do the best you could have done in your situation. I always have to remind myself that I am doing or have done the best I can and that is enough. I love you so much!

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    1. Thank you Rhonda! You are so right I think no matter what I would feel guilt at some point if she was here I’m sure I would be feeling guilt. I just wish it wasn’t guilt because she wasn’t here. I love you!!!

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  4. You are not a baby mum but a human being. I think in these situations we always blame ourselves. I really feel for your situation. You would have done whatever was physically possible for Averie and your grief is testament to how much she means to you.

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