Today when I woke up I was determined to make this a good day, to not allow myself to fall into a pit of overwhelming sadness. Unfortunately after losing a child every day seems significant in some way. The anniversary of when you first heard their heartbeat, when you told your family, when you found out you were pregnant. We are forever haunted by these days because they bring a reminder that we do not have our little ones. The 12th will forever be day that is burned into my soul. I wonder if after it’s been a year if I will still continue to count by months. 13 months, 14 months and etc. I’m sure the months will turn into years and each February I will be tormented by thoughts that my daughter should be in kindergarten, learning to drive, going away to college.
Here I sit 10 months later, my arms empty my heart broken, trying to picture what life would have been like with her here. Instead of a house devoid of anything baby I imagine her giggles would have filled the air, her toys on the floor. I wouldn’t be wishing away the Holidays we would have been starting our family traditions with her. Blasting Christmas music with smiles on our faces & the smell of cinnamon in the air. Instead I sit here in a quiet house, our tree is up but no Christmas music plays. The sound of it is unbearable to me for some reason. There are smiles in this house but behind them sits sadness.
There is no denying that the 12th of each month is a hard day for me but I also know the good things it brings. A reminder of the day I became a Mother & met the most amazing little spirit that forever changed my life. The day I felt for the first time unconditional love. I hope that there will come a day that the pain of the 12th will lessen and the beauty of it will shine brighter then the pain. That with each 12th a smile will come to my face in place of the tears.
I miss you my Averie and love you so much xoxo