Christmas is over and I couldn’t be more relieved. At the end of November I had higher hopes for myself and this holiday. I felt happy to put my tree up and even happier to create the ornament for Averie. Once the actual holidays started all the happiness I felt came to an abrupt stop. I could have put on a smile and acted like I was fine but everyone that knows me knows I can’t do that. I felt like I took 10,000 steps back in my grief. I admit I was a huge Scrooge this Christmas. The ghosts that haunted me were those of my grief and they were scary, and completely unwelcome. Feelings I haven’t felt in months resurfaced and my emotions were all over the place. I took no joy in anything and distanced myself from everything and pretty much everyone. When people were asking what I wanted for Christmas all I wanted to say was my daughter. I’m not sure how people expected me to feel this Christmas because I wasn’t sure how I would feel until the moment came. It wasn’t about just missing Averie, it was a huge reminder that she wasn’t here with us. No playing Santa, no toys to buy, no laughter, no first Christmas with our baby. It’s amazing what can change in a year. Last Christmas I was happy to have my husband home awaiting the time that Averie would be born, excited about the new things to come. A year later all that I thought, all the hopes I had are gone. While most people are looking forward to the New Year making resolutions and excited for a new start I am just reminded that almost a year has gone by without my daughter. 2015 was a cruel one and I imagine 2016 will start off quite the same. I ask that my family and my friends find patience with me at this time. I am still grieving, I am still broken, I am trying.