Emotions

10,000 Steps Back

Christmas is over and I couldn’t be more relieved. At the end of November I had higher hopes for myself and this holiday. I felt happy to put my tree up and even happier to create the ornament for Averie. Once the actual holidays started all the happiness I felt came to an abrupt stop. I could have put on a smile and acted like I was fine but everyone that knows me knows I can’t do that. I felt like I took 10,000 steps back in my grief. I admit I was a huge Scrooge this Christmas. The ghosts that haunted me were those of my grief and they were scary, and completely unwelcome. Feelings I haven’t felt in months resurfaced and my emotions were all over the place. I took no joy in anything and distanced myself from everything and pretty much everyone. When people were asking what I wanted for Christmas all I wanted to say was my daughter.  I’m not sure how people expected me to feel this Christmas because I wasn’t sure how I would feel until the moment came. It wasn’t about just missing Averie, it was a huge reminder that she wasn’t here with us. No playing Santa, no toys to buy, no laughter, no first Christmas with our baby. It’s amazing what can change in a year. Last Christmas I was happy to have my husband home awaiting the time that Averie would be born, excited about the new things to come. A year later all that I thought, all the hopes I had are gone. While most people are looking forward to the New Year making resolutions and excited for a new start I am just reminded that almost a year has gone by without my daughter. 2015 was a cruel one and I imagine 2016 will start off quite the same. I ask that my family and my friends find patience with me at this time. I am still grieving, I am still broken, I am trying. 

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8 thoughts on “10,000 Steps Back

  1. Oh man. So sorry it was so rough, though I don’t think there’s any getting around that it would be. It was rough for me too. And I was also pretty much a total Scrooge. I hope 2016 brings some hope and peace and light. xoxo, Christine

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  2. I will absolutely be patient and will be here every step of the way! I love you so much! I’m so sorry for all the feelings you felt over Christmas 😦 don’t beat yourself up, you are strong even when you think you aren’t!

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  3. Hi Crystal. I am right there with you- If it were up to me I wouldn’t have celebrated Christmas this year. I was tired of seeing everyone’s happy family Christmas photos of all their children. I was tired of seeing all the newborns celebrating their first Christmas….social media was rough on me during Christmas. and like you I am not looking forward to 2016 because I wont all of a sudden feel better. All the sadness and grief wont be washed away. It is a terrible feeling and I am right there with you. much love to you mama.

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    1. Yes seeing everyone’s happy faces was not easy. I have pretty much banned myself from social media just for that reason alone. I’m glad we both got through it. I joked about being put into a coma so I wouldn’t have to deal with it so maybe we did better then we thought we did 😉 xoxo

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  4. Oh I’m so sorry…I know no matter what I say it won’t have any bearing on your feel bads, but know that we think about you guys all the time and we love you even though I don’t post about it or we don’t talk. I love reading your posts it makes me feel closer to you all! Thank you for sharing such a beautiful piece of you and your family. Love you guys! From Utah

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  5. Oh Crystal…
    I am so sorry. No words I write would ever be able to help you they way they should. We love you guys and think about you every day even though we never talk. I love that you share such a beautiful piece of yourself and your family. It makes me love you guys even more. Let us know if We can do anything…We love you from Utah

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