Coping · Emotions · Hope

Self Reflection 

The last 11 months have been, in fact, the HARDEST 11 months of my life. Losing my beautiful daughter sent me into a tail spin that unfortunately got worse in the month of December. It was a hard, way harder then I ever thought it would be. Being strong throughout this whole process had been my goal and last month everything I worked so hard for just came crumbling down. In a moment of desperation, and at the lowest place I have been in since losing Averie, I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I could not be in that dark place anymore and subject myself to the depression and pain that I was constantly feeling. I have always had the ability to pull myself out of whatever pit I’ve sunk into. I am not the type to let my mind take over myself completely. I pride myself in figuring things out on my own and putting myself together again. But at that moment I knew I couldn’t do it on my own anymore, and that although I have fought hard and valiantly, it was time to raise the white flag. 

Zach and I  spent a week away from each other because of a trip he recently went on, and of all days he left on New Year’s Day. I knew at that moment I could sink deeper without him or use the time alone to reflect and figure out where I had gone. Since losing Averie I have a bit of separation anxiety from Zach. I know where it stems from and if you’ve read my story of losing Averie you will probably too. From the moment he left I instantly felt alone.    Through out this past year our relationship has been tested. I would be lying to say that it hasn’t been hard. Time away from each other, although was scary, was also a necessity. During that week alone my soul woke back up. I had felt things in myself that I hadn’t felt in a really long time. I felt peace, I felt hope, I felt a change in me that I I’ve been aching to feel for some time. Being forced to spend time alone with myself and to feel my raw emotions was life altering. I had pushed them aside for to long and needed to deal with them entirely. Although I am still far from perfect, I know that I’ve made a dent, and to me that’s all that matters. 

I have never been a believer in New Years resolutions. I think most of the time unrealistic goals are set, and then we get down on ourselves for not being able to keep them. I knew I needed something to get me motivated so I’ve started with some realistic goals for myself. Zach and I have talked about making some for our relationship as well. I’m happy to say that things are going well and that the little fire of hope inside of me is growing as well as the feeling of peace. We are coming up on a year of losing Averie and I cannot believe it’s been that long. I am proud I’m here, I’m still standing and I do it all for my husband and that beautiful little girl that made me a mother. I love you Averie. Mommy is finding her light again ❤️ 

 

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Self Reflection 

  1. I’ve never been big on New Years goals either but sometimes you just need that little push to have something to look forward to. I’m so glad you were able to have that time alone and that you’ve felt some peace. That’s all I been praying for for you. I love you so much! Fine that light again mama and find your funny bone too😂😝 (I’m referencing our texts about your Halloween rules😉).

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so proud of you sis. You have come such a long way. The pain you’ve had to go through I know was unbearable. You deserve to let your light shine again. You are amazing, courageous, beautiful and have so much strength. I love you so much

    Like

  3. Crystal this is so so amazing to read! I am so proud of you and everyday you inspire me! You are seriously strong (even though you don’t always feel that way) and I just love you!!! I hope I get to see you soon because I might not make it much longer without you!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow. That is the most incredibly heart breaking ordeal I have ever heard of. Tears rolling down my cheeks as I type this even though I have not met her. I have a lump in my throat and a hollow pain of loss in my chest, still I can’t imagine how you must feel. Thank you for sharing your story.

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s