Emotions · Hope

Looking back on the past year

As we near the year anniversary of losing Averie I’ve taken a few moments to look back at this long road we’ve traveled and reflect. To the women that have recently lost a child and the loss is still so fresh or to those in the future that go through a loss and may read this, I hope these words give you comfort and hope.

Almost immediately after losing Averie I wanted nothing more then to be beyond the pain of grief. I dreamt of the time that I would smile at the thought of my beautiful daughter instead of breaking down into tears and spiraling into a deep and dark depression. The thought of being in a place of peace seemed unrealistic for a very long time. I think I knew that the grief would get easier but in my mind, clouded by pain and the longing for my daughter, it seemed unattainable.

I now have found myself staring at her pictures and just smiling. My husband and I created that beautiful little girl. She was made with love, I carried her with so much love and she spend her short little life being engulfed in love. Even now, when she is not with us, she has so many people that love her. She is the ultimate symbol of love. And proudly, my husband and I created that symbol of love! 

Each month last year I would think about Averie and where she would have been in her development. I felt robbed that I wouldn’t hear her giggles or hear her speak her first word. While driving one day recently, I thought about these missed opportunities and then I thought of something that gave me peace. I may not get the chance to see my little girl grow up, to take her first steps, go on her first date or even watch her walk down the aisle but what I have with Averie is precious and special in itself. I will always have this perfect precious angel that won’t be hurt by the cruelty of the world. Her heart will never have to be broken, she won’t have to feel defeat or unhappiness, and she won’t ever have to endure the pain that comes with life. I don’t want anyone to take this the wrong way, I would have given up anything to have her here but I have also realized that I can’t bring her back and because of that I can’t forever be tormented by it. I will still have those moments when I think about what she would have been like but they no longer bring pain. A smile comes to my face as I imagine the life that could have been.

I knew I had come out of the dark blanket of grief when I realized my thoughts regarding Averie’s loss became more positive. It sounds strange and almost demented in a way to say I have had positive thoughts about it. The difference is, I’ve chosen to silence the negative. They are still there but I choose to only focus on the positive. I focus on the fact that she made me a mother that day and always, I got to hold her in my arms and kiss her little face and take in her smell, I got to study her features and how much she looked like her Daddy, seeing her big beautiful blue eyes as she stared at me was a moment I’ll never forget. It has been the longest yet fastest year of my life but I am proud of how far me and my husband have come. We have made hard decisions and have had plenty of low moments to get where we are at, but we have made it. I hope wherever my sweet daughter is that she is smiling, and I hope that she is proud of her parents as we are proud of her.

If you are lost and overwhelmed by grief take it from me there is a light past the dark clouds. It may not be bright now but one day the threatening clouds will disappear and you will be able to feel the warmth of the light on your face. The storm will pass I promise.

  

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4 thoughts on “Looking back on the past year

  1. Wow sis. I know we talk everyday, but that is truly an inspiring story. I know how far you’ve come, and I love to see the positivity in your heart. You are amazing, not only just because you are (lol), but your strength , fearlessness and drive is who you are and why you have made it through this journey. I love you so much, and I have loved being there to see what you are truly made of and that’s love. Xoxoxoxo

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  2. First of all I am so sorry for your loss. I am going through that dark horrible depressive phase of losing my precious boy on January 18th….my only baby. It’s so painful!!! I am still supposed to be pregnant, we’re supposed to be preparing his space in our home, he’s supposed to be on his way here and arrive in April….and there are a few moments where I think of Adam and the 2 days he spent with us and I smile but mostly it’s crushing sadness and pain!!! Reading this today has given me so much hope for the possibility of this passing. I am so happy for you that you’ve reached this point and hope you only get stronger. I hope I can too someday. Thank you so much for sharing your journey!

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    1. AJ I am so very sorry to hear about your precious little boy! My heart aches for you and the pain that you are feeling. I am so glad that you have found hope in reading this. Losing a child is such a long painful journey so give yourself as much time as you need to heal. Be gentle with yourself you have been through enough. I know you will get to a place of peace but do it on your own time. I have found that despite all of us women going through the same thing you can’t measure your grief with another’s. Our healing is specific to ourselves and that alone. Please keep in touch and let me know if you ever need to talk. You can comment on my blog or message me here and I can give you my email address! (Hugs)

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