Coping · Emotions · Hope

Hello Old Friend

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Almost 5 months to be exact. While my blog has always been a place I could escape and share my thoughts to, sometimes when I get overwhelmed with feelings or situations I tend to escape in myself and disappear from the outside world for awhile. And that’s what I’ve done the last few months. The last 5 months have been a mixture of pain, joy, celebration, change and growth. All things that have put me right here in this moment exactly where I need to be.

Yesterday was the 12th of the month. A number that always stands out in my mind because it was the day that Averie was brought into this world only to quickly leave. Yesterday evening Zach and I were waiting at the mall to talk to an employee at sprint regarding our phone plan, a wait that cost us an incredible two hours of our day (I was irritated to say the least). I sat there watching families and people pass and my thoughts drifted to my little girl and the fact that she would have been a year and 5 months yesterday. I started to think about what her little personality would have been like and how she probably wouldn’t have wanted to wait around at the mall for two hours. We would have been chasing her around trying to get her to settle, trying to make her happy. While most Mothers would consider that a nightmare everything inside me yearned for the chance to do that with her. I have always yearned for my daughter but I’ve noticed more so lately. You see, Averie is going to be a big sister. Zach and I are expecting our second baby girl this November. When we found out in March I can’t explain to you the joy we felt coupled with instant fear and confusing feelings of feeling like I was betraying my first born. Everything in me says Averie should be here to experience this with us. She should be lying next to me with her head on my belly feeling the kicks of her sister just as excited as Zach and I are. She should be here. But instead she is in my heart and on my mind constantly so much that sometimes I call the new baby Averie and then I have to correct myself. My fear is forgetting her, even though I know I never will. She will remain a huge part of our lives. Her sister will know everything about her big sister. Beautiful Averie, the one that came first and touched our lives forever ❤️🌈

“It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.”


5 thoughts on “Hello Old Friend

  1. Just wanted to say I love you so much sis. You’re going to be the most loving mom. You have been such an inspiration and I can’t put into words how truly proud of you I am. I love the quote. It’s perfect. I can’t wait to see Averees little sister. I love you

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending best wishes and positive energy for your pregnancy. I am also due in November and have so many emotions (and hormones) raging around me at the moment. I can really relate to your posts. I really hope everything goes well for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I remember those fears, of forgetting my dead children and of them not being known by their living siblings. It will happen in time, but those fears will go away, replaced by other fears of course, but if you continue to include Averie in your family and your life, then little sister will also know Averie. Not in the way you want them to know each other (living siblings growing and playing together), but in a way that they can know each other.


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