Last week I had my 28 week appointment and I’m not gonna lie I got a little overwhelmed. I went alone because I thought it would be quick and routine, but after an hour of being there I realized Zach should have come with me. The Doctor and I discussed delivery and what I was thinking. I had originally thought I would try a VBAC but the closer I get to the end the more I have this anxiety of going into labor naturally. I’m so sacred that once the contractions start I will automatically go into panic mode and expect that the worst is happening or going to happen. Most women want to experience laboring and everything that goes with it. I want to hide far away from it because in my mind no good comes from it because what else do I have to personally compare it to? The Doctor told me the risks for every scenario that could possibly happen and I’m so glad she did because as overwhelming as it was it was good to know all of it.
Next Monday I start NST’s (non stress tests) 2 times a week every week until I deliver. They are starting me at 30 weeks instead of the normal 32 which I am actually quite happy about. I don’t know what to expect, but I assume having this little girl monitored twice a week until she is here will help ease my anxiety.
I’m still receiving my progesterone shots every week and just had my 13th one so only 7 more to go! Even though they are a pain in the butt (quite literally😊) they haven’t been to bad and it gives me peace of mind to know that it’s all for this little one and getting her here safely.
Next week Zach and I get to go to the perinatal center again to check on little miss and see how she’s growing. She was a little stubborn at her anatomy scan and they didn’t get all the pictures of her heart they wanted to get. Even though she had an echocardiogram around 21 weeks they still want to do their own ultrasound. I’m not complaining I love seeing her!
After I got home from my appointment I sat down with Zach and we discussed everything. After a lot of thought we have decided to go with a scheduled csection at 39 weeks. If she, for some reason, decides to make an earlier appearance we will deal with it when it happens but having a date set gives me some peace of mind. So in just 10 weeks we will get to see our little girl and it all feels quite surreal.
I feel the need to point out that pregnancy after loss is not easy. I’m not complaining, I am so glad I’ve been given the chance to be a Mother again, but wow what emotions that come with it. I think most people are under the impression that pregnancy after loss cures all, but quite honestly I think I’ve cried more for Averie in the last little while then I have since we lost her. After so long the tears weren’t as frequent but lately they come a lot. I cry because I miss her, I cry for the guilt I feel some days, I cry because of the familiarity with this pregnancy and the emotions it brings up, I cry because I know this pregnancy will be a different outcome and the unfairness in that just hurts my heart. The other day while I was watching So You Think You Can Dance, this routine came on. Because of the mother daughter role, combined with the words to the music I just sobbed the whole way through it. What I wouldn’t give to be able to hold my little Averie, to kiss her again, to watch her grow. I would do anything to have her here.