After we lost Averie I went through and deleted my pregnancy apps, unsubscribed from things and did as much damage control as I could. I didn’t need a constant reminder of how far along I was supposed to be in my pregnancy or an app asking me if I’d given birth yet. Unessessary torture is what I was trying to avoid.
I joined baby center late last year to join some support groups with other women that had suffered 3rd trimester losses. They give you an option to put your family members in your profile so naturally I put Averie in because she is my daughter and all.
A couple weeks ago I got the first dreaded email. I pulled it up and just stared at it. Ouch baby center. After all this time I’ve been a member you start sending me these now? I quickly unsubscribed and until this morning thought I was in the clear and then I got this: Some might think, well it’s been 19 months what’s the problem? Well unfortunately time doesn’t matter here. Every day is a constant reminder that Averie isn’t with us. I think about what stage she would have been every single day. I see other children and think, she would have been around that age, and try to picture what she would have been like. It doesn’t get any easier to receive reminders that she isn’t here and I don’t think it ever will. I don’t want reminders in the next 15 years saying “your teenager this week” that she should be graduating high school or even later when we expect that she would have gotten married or had babies of her own. We torture ourselves enough but reminders just make it harder. Time goes on and everyone ages. Other children grow up but some of us parents forever have babies that weren’t fortunate enough to go through the stages. So thank you baby center I would love to take your poll and tell you if my toddler plays favorites but unfortunately I can’t.
***insert trigger warning here***
I had my first NST (non stress test) today, and despite baby being a young one to start them, she did great and passed her test with flying colors. It was a little nerve racking for me watching the monitors and seeing and hearing her heart beat go up and up and then down. Luckily I made sure and asked a ton of questions so I wasn’t paranoid about what I saw. I assume I’ll get used to it considering how many I will be doing by the time she gets here and overall it does give me a sense of peace to have them done and I’m grateful for that.
In other news one of my baby apps told me today that baby girl is the size of a motorcycle helmet. I’m unsure how they came to that conclusion because motorcycle helmets are huge and in my opinion close to the size of a watermelon that baby usually measures around 40 weeks. I certainly look and feel like I’m carrying a motorcycle helmet so maybe they aren’t off entirely 😊