I’ve been a little quiet lately, behind the scenes no less, trying to silence the anxiety building within me. October is one of my favorite months and I usually start early with all the festivities and get very much into it, but here we are on the 11th already and my thoughts have taken over most of my desire to do much.
This week I am officially 33 weeks pregnant. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it but at 32 I could feel the impending anxiety. 33 weeks is when I went into pre term labor with Averie. 33 weeks is when we had to say goodbye to our beautiful girl, go home with our arms empty and start this cruel journey of grief. When I make it past this milestone it will be all new territory for me. I’ve never been pregnant past 33 weeks.
Until this point I feel like I’ve been holding my breath, but I don’t anticipate exhaling anytime soon. Not until this little one is here and even then I may not. At 30 weeks we were told our baby girls thyroid is a little bit bigger, meaning my stupid antibodies that are left over from having Graves’ disease and being treated are most possibly crossing through the placenta. The good news is she isn’t showing any other signs of it effecting her, she is right on for growth and her heart rate is perfect, and when she is born the antibodies should leave her tiny body and she will be fine. Still the thought of this little rainbow growing inside me being affected by anything of mine just hurts me terribly. Because cases like this are so rare, there isn’t a set way to do things so I’ve been started on an antithyroid med to tone down the antibodies and she is having growth scans every two weeks as well as checking her thyroid, and of course we still have our twice weekly NST’s. I am doing everything in my power to stay sane for the next six weeks.
As of right now though, I just need to get through this week. Not only does it have a stigma of me being 33 weeks but on Wednesday we go to the perinatal center to get another growth scan and check on baby. In my heart I know it will all be alright but how do you convince your mind?? Let’s just say I’ve ampted up the meditation.
This month is also very special to me in it being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Exactly one year ago to the day, I took the step of finally writing down our story of losing our precious girl. I felt like I owed to her and myself and it took everything in me to do it. It’s crazy to think that a year later I would be 33 weeks along with her little sister. Our milestone falling on such an important month and week. The 15th, this Saturday, is the official day of remembrance where people around the world, at 7:00 pm their local time, will light candles in honor of the babies that have been lost. We will of course be lighting a candle for Averie and all her little angel friends. To all my fellow loss Mom’s I would love it if you placed your babies name in the comments so we can honor and remember them as well. I know this month gets over shadowed by breast cancer awareness, but a lot of people still do not know about the importance of this month for us loss families.
In October 1988 when President Ronald Reagan declared October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month he was quoted by saying:
“When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When parents lose their child, there isn’t a word to describe them.”
Our group still remains nameless. We may call ourselves loss Mom’s, Dad’s, families, but that doesn’t automatically explain that we’ve lost a baby. Zach and I originally created our Facebook page Averie’s Angels in hopes of starting a community where not only our angel babies can be honored, but a safe place where feelings can be validated and those that may have been suffering alone dont have to anymore. If you aren’t apart of it we hope that you will join us. The more outlets for families the better in making this normally taboo subject something that isn’t anymore.
I hope that even if you have not lost a child, that you will join the rest of us this Saturday the 15th at 7pm your local time, by lightening a candle for those that have. If you do participate we would love to see pictures! Nothing would make us happier to see the love and support. Message them to us on our Facebook page here ❤️❤️