I am happy to report I made it through week 33 still standing and unscathed, but boy was it emotional. I felt at times I was on a rollercoaster the ups the downs the loops all of it. It was an interesting coincidence to be reaching that milestone the same week as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. I feel like it was meant to be in a way because having that day to celebrate Averie was exactly what I needed.
After lighting our candles on the 15th, Zach went to the store to grab something giving me a moment alone with our little angel. I took her urn in my hands and cried. I cried for her, I cried for Zach and I…I just cried. I told her how much I love her and miss her, and how sorry I am. The dogs got very close to me to comfort me and as always Pistol, my minature pincher, licked at my tears. Zach got home close to 8 and we blew out the candles together. It was an emotional night but very special.
I recently ran into a nice lady at the doctors office. She was getting into the elevator and saw my obvious bump. She said she rememberd those days and always loved being pregnant. I instantly felt a connection to this women for some reason. She then said she had 3 children and the last one made it to 21 then passed away. I told her how sorry I was and she continued to tell me about his heart surgery as a baby and his lifelong health battles. As we walked to the the parking garage I mentioned that I had lost my baby daughter but didn’t know how it felt to lose a child so late in life. She then said something that made me think, she said while talking to one of her sons doctors she said she wondered if it would have been easier to lose him while he was younger vs spending years watching him suffer. When she said it, you could tell she still did not have the answer to that question. I walked away from her with tears in my eyes.
I can’t say I would know the answer to that women’s question either because one thing I’ve experienced and the other I have not. Either way leads to heartbreak and grief. Whether you follow the same grief outline is irrelevant because losing your child at any stage I believe is the hardest thing a parent can endure.
**trigger pregnancy update**
Having never been on the other side of 33 weeks pregnant it has been interesting. Overall things are the same but me getting bigger and this little one getting bigger is a new experience. Not to mention it just feels weird knowing I’m in my 35th week and that I’m in new territory. We went for a growth scan during our 33rd week to check on little miss to see if she was growing and hoping her thyroid hadn’t. She had grown which is a great sign and her thyroid, though still measuring big, was not growing. The doctor was pleased and so were we. She continues to pass her bi weekly NST’s and we have another growth scan and doctors appointment this Friday since it’s been almost 2 1/2 weeks since the last. I feel confident she’s still doing good. I’ve noticed she’s gotten bigger within the last few weeks, her movements have changed she’s more cramped, and her heart rate has been awesome which are both positive signs.
Our amazing friends threw us a baby shower this last Sunday and I’m still in awe with how much they put into it all the amazing thoughtful gifts. I am so touched that Zach and I have been able to find a support group as well as a second family here being so far away from our own families and where we call home. Not only did they spoil us they made sure at the end of the shower to do something special for Averie. They had not met her or even knew me while I was pregnant with her but the support and love they’ve shown for her has been amazing. They had gotten balloons so we went outside and let them off for her it was awesome and like the balloons I’m still blown away.
Needless to say I am feeling extremely blessed ❤️