Someone must have snuck into my tear ducts and turned on the faucet but then forgot to turn it off. The amount of crying I’ve been doing and emotions I’ve been feeling have been more then normal lately. Could be the season, could be my hormones from having a baby, could be the changes in life, could be all the above.
I caught myself, the other day, thinking about the season and all the joy it brings. But the flip side is the pain this season brings too. My mind wandered to those that are alone, that don’t feel loved, that have lost someone and are grieving, those with hearts that are breaking. It was at this moment I wished I was a super hero and could fly around the world healing those that needed to feel some peace, love, and light.
I’ve been connecting more and more with other loss mommas and hearing about their angels and their individual stories hurts my heart so much. As a traveler on that path, you hope nobody has to feel the pain you have felt, that nobody else would have to go through losing their little ones. Some of these families are now experiencing their first Christmas without their little ones. It takes me back to last year, our first year without Averie, and the hope that I had that I would get through it gracefully. Then grief came and smacked me upside the head and wouldn’t allow it. It was hard, really hard. I made an ornament for Averie in hopes it would help with the grief. It did help, for a short time, but it didn’t last unfortunatly. I found myself wanting to break anything playing Christmas music, I stayed off Facebook and any social media in hopes to avoid everyone’s happy smiling families intact with their healthy children. Going out in public was a joke, seeing any pregnant women or baby’s drove a knife through my heart.
Here we are a year later and it’s quite obvious my emotions have changed. I am no longer bitter towards Christmas and have felt joy this season but like I mentioned earlier I’ve been incredibly sad and full of emotions. Putting Averie’s ornament on the tree this year was so bitter sweet. I held Isabella as I carefully placed it on the tree. I hope Averie’s siblings will enjoy putting it up every year and smile seeing their angel sister on the tree.
People that assume having a baby after losing a child is a fix all, are greatly mistaken. You can’t replace a child with a new one. I’ve been looking at Averie’s pictures a lot lately. Isabella looks so much like her sister it’s uncanny. I’ll find myself holding my little rainbow with so much love in my heart and at the same time crying thinking of Averie. It’s not a normal sadness though. It’s not like it was a year ago where I was so bitter. I cry because of how much love I have for my girls. I miss Averie, and it still hurts and always will, that our sweet girl was taken from us so soon. I cry that I can’t love on her every day like I do with her sister. I also cry that I’ve been given the opportunity to be a mommy again and am able to love on one of my sweet babies.
Losing a baby is full of emotions you could never perceive, pregnancy after loss is a rollercoaster and raising a rainbow also has its emotions I never expected. Sometimes I wonder what I’m feeling is normal but then I realize there is no normal in any of these circumstances.
My thoughts this holiday season are with those that hearts are breaking from losing their sweet babies, with those that feel like they do not have the ability to smile and find happiness right now. For those that don’t have their babies because they were born to soon or sick and spending the holidays in the NICU. To those that feel lonely and sad and can’t find their light.
Help me by not forgeting these people this holiday season ❤️❤️