Emotions · Life

Things I want to remember 

The last few months I have been getting these blips of memories when Isabella was born, things I would like to remember. I thought I better get them down before I forget them all together.

The first thing is the dream I had the night before she was born. I dreamt that I would go to my MFM for my appointment and they would tell me because of my contractions they would be doing the csection that day. Dreams are weird and usually have strange parts to them and this one was no exception to that. I remember them putting the IV in my knuckle…uh ouch. They then said I would have to be put out entirely no epidural. I woke up in my dream and my mom and dad were there but my baby girl was not. My mom told me she was fine and doing good and that she had blonde hair. Zach was nowhere to be seen. Then they handed me my baby. And I remember thinking she is here she is alive! Those are the details I remember. If you read Isabellas birth story some of this is hauntingly familiar. 

The second thing is, while we were in the NICU the 2nd day with Isabella I looked up and saw a familiar face that brought on a huge wave of emotion. The doctor that came up from Syracuse to transport Averie, the women that told us our baby would not make it, the one that I felt rushed us to say goodbye was standing there. I had somehow forgotten she was one of the directors of the NICU at that hospital. I can’t tell you how I felt when I saw her but it was kind of like a punch to the stomach. She made rounds with one of the nurses one day and as she stopped in front of Isabella, listening to the nurse talk about why our baby was there, I wondered if she remembered our faces or our name. It was a bit of the past that made it feel so fresh again. 

When we left for my appointment on the 28th I had the feeling we should be bringing packed bags, car seat, her bag, all of it because of the dream I had. But I thought no way she’s not coming. When I was admitted we didn’t have anything and at that point we knew I would at least be there for 3 days. Zach took the hour and a half drive back home and picked up a few things. I didn’t ask him to bring me much I’m not sure why. After a few days of walking around the hospital in the gown and a bathrobe I asked him to go to Walmart to pick some things up. Coming back to my room after feeding Isabella, I got a call from Zach. All he said was he had been in a car accident, he was fine and he would call me later. In the background I could hear the sirens and my heart just sunk. Of course every horrible thought went through my mind. Like he called me injured but didn’t want to tell me so I wouldn’t worry. My nurse came in to check on me and I told her what happened. Her name was Christine and I had her twice and loved her. She helped me keep a level head and not overthink things and reminded me he was fine he wouldn’t have called if he wasn’t. Needless to say he was ok, it was close though. The other driver ran a red light and swiped him on his side. Car was totaled, our new never used infant car seat couldn’t be used. That night I counted my blessings. After a scary birth my little girl was here, after a scary car accident my husband was here. Averie were you watching over us? 

On our last night at the hospital I had been discharged earlier that day and the staff graciously gave us a room in the NICU that we could stay in so I wouldn’t have to go back and forth from the Ronald McDonald house. At that point we had been there for about 5 days. I was tired, not just emotionally but physically. I have so much respect for the women that have babies in the NICU for long periods of time. Taking the elevator up to feed her every 2 hours, then back to my room to pump and to try to get moments of rest only to be woken by a nurse coming in, was exhausting. Zach went and got us dinner that last night and we sat in the NICU family waiting room since nobody was in there. At one point I looked at him and just broke down. I sobbed while I attempted to eat my sandwhich and told him how much I loved him and thanked him for being my rock and being there for me. He didn’t have to come to feedings with me but he would get up every time in the dead of night to accompany me and to see his little girl. He once again wasn’t able to see his little girl be born but yet was my knight in shining armor once again. As I sat there in the waiting room, my feet shoved into slippers that were cutting off my circulation due to the swelling, I sobbed like a baby and poured my heart out to him. He at first thought I’d gone crazy I’m sure, but he just smiled at me and listened. He told me he loved me and then we finished our dinner. 

I’m realizing life goes by way to fast. In one month exactly Averie will have been gone for 2 years. 2 years. There were moments with her I wished I would have written down because I’ve sinced forgotten. This year, and from here on out, I’m trying to write things down to remember them. My mom was so good about doing that and I’ve always enjoyed reading the things she’s shared with me. When time passes we forget how we felt in a moment. I want to read something in 50 years and bring back those emotions again. 

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4 thoughts on “Things I want to remember 

  1. I was just talking to a friend about having trouble remembering things after a loss. I think it’s similar to this; I want to remember all the things about this pregnancy, but I know I won’t. I need to write things down more!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes write it all down!! Pregnancy kills our brains so much if I didn’t write anything down I wouldn’t remember anything. I told my sister a joke a few weeks ago that she had initially told me 😆 brain fart moment for sure. I’ve also been doing private posts on my blog about Isabella’s development, things I want to remember with her etc that way it’s only for my eyes but I have it somewhere safe. Just an idea!

      Liked by 1 person

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