Emotions

Is February over yet?

It was my birthday a little over a week ago. 4 days after Valentine’s Day and exactly 6 days after Averie passed away. I woke up on the morning with this heavy feeling. A familiar haunting feeling. Two years ago when Averie passed away I remember my family trying so hard to give me such a great birthday. My Mom made my favorite cake, but I asked nobody to sing Happy Birthday to me. Instead Vanessa, my sister, chose to hum it as they brought me my cake. I didn’t want to be merry and sing, I didn’t want to celebrate my life when my child didn’t get a chance at hers. I remember that night just sobbing in bed wishing this nightmare would end.

Two years later things felt a little different. The haunting feeling was the same because we are still missing a member of our family. The weather was nice, Zach and I drove up to the river to one of our favorite shops. We walked around town and visited a few of the other shops on the main road. One is a year round Christmas shop. We browsed the different Christmas ornaments and I found a ceramic angel that said daughter on it. I thought of buying it for Averie. The shop owner asked us if we were here for a 1st Christmas ornament for Isabella, I mentioned she already had her 1st Christmas. I of course thought of Averie and how she didn’t ever get her first Christmas. Overall it was a good day. I can’t say that my heart was complete though because everything we do, every picture we take doesn’t have Averie in it and that has been EATING at my heart lately. Which brings me to another topic….

I’m trying to figure out how to balance parenting a child that is here, and still remembering the one that I don’t have, without hurting the one that is here. Did any of that make sense? I don’t ever want Isabella thinking we love Averie more because of everything I do for her, in memory of her. Lately I’ve been thinking about that A LOT. Of course right now it isn’t an issue because she is so small, but I am worried that the guilt that I feel when I don’t memorialize Averie will get in the way and Isabella will feel like she is living in her sisters shadow. For instance, we took a quick family photo on the day of my birthday and I felt SO much guilt not having Averie’s picture in it. It wasn’t even anything professional it was literally us using the front camera on my phone. The guilt was strong when I was pregnant with Izz, but I have realized it’s creeping back full force. I am learning quickly that parenting after a loss is incredibly hard as well. What part of this process isn’t though?? If anyone has any insight and experience with this I would LOVE for you to share.

Needless to say I’m ready for February to be over. It’s the shortest but longest month ever. Today it was 60 degrees here and stepping outside and feeling the sun was AMAZING. I’ve recently been struggling with some baby blues. Remember guilt? Yeah he’s here again. I start feeling guilty that I have felt this way because in my mind I shouldn’t feel this way. We wanted Isabella more then anything and love her so much how could I ever feel blue right? My hope is the change in weather will help. Being stuck inside is maddening in itself even when you don’t have a cranky baby. The nice weather today gave me hope though. And a little bit of hope goes a long way.

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9 thoughts on “Is February over yet?

  1. I 100% understand where you’re coming from. Never feel guilt for loving Averie in your own way. You’re doing the best you can and your daughter will know that, both of them. Her being so small, she won’t really remember these times and when she gets older you can explain what it was like for you. In the end, she’ll understand that you grieved her sisters loss the best way you could and did what you thought was best.

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    1. Thank you so much for this! I like how you mention how I can explain to her when she’s older why I chose to do things the way I did. Im hoping by then I’ll have things figured out a little better xx

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  2. I talk about Gabriel, the one I lost before I had my other kids, all the time with my daughters. I really don’t think they compare the situations. I think they know how much I love them while still being sad that I don’t have Gabriel here with us. They love hearing about him and looking at his few things and pictures that we are lucky enough to have. My girls are 9 and 12 now and Gabriel would be 16. As the years go by, things change sort of. The pain is still there, the longing is still very strong but the sharpness has faded a bit. At least for me. We are all different of course. I think you should be kind to yourself. Extra kind. You are allowed to have both feelings at once. It’s all very complicated and that’s okay, too. You can honor both of your daughters.

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    1. Thank you so much for your insight! It’s always nice to hear from someone that has been through it and understands. I love how you said the sharpness fades over time. I think it’s that sharpness that brings on the guilt. I’m sure guilt won’t entirely leave but it would be nice if it wasn’t constantly there. Your words have definitely made me feel better so thank you. I think we forget we need to be kind to ourselves because there is no step by step guide on how to deal with it all xx

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      1. It’s so true. And it’s so sporadic, you never know when things will hit you and then on times when you expect to be sad, you aren’t. I’m so glad I can help in my small way. Your site helps a lot of others I bet, it’s so nice to not feel so alone!

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  3. I don’t have any advice, but I worry about the same thing with Steam Bun and Theo. Parenting a child on earth and a child who isn’t is hard. I have no doubt though that Isabella knows how much you love her and will always know that. ❤

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