I know parents do this. I’ve heard my father go through me and my 5 sisters before landing on one of our specific names. It’s a common slip up to call another child by their siblings name. But when the sibling has passed away why does it seem so wrong in a way?
Lately I can’t count the many times I’ve almost called Izz her sisters name. I’ll have it on my tongue and go to say it and stop. That’s not her name. Ouch.
My irrational fear has always been that Izz will think she’s living in her sisters shadow. That she won’t feel like she has her own identity. Deep down I know this will never be the case. That’s why it’s an irrational fear. If I couldn’t get out from under my grief and acted as though life couldn’t go on while I stayed in bed in a depressed state then yes, I may have to worry about the way Isabella feels and views her place in this family. But like the later, that will never happen.
So why do I worry like I do? The moment Averie died I lost the feeling that I had any type of control in my life. The truth is, none of us have complete control over life that’s just how it is. We can control our choices and the way we react but that’s it. I think a lot of people walk around with an innocence that nothing will happen to them. I know I did. It’s always the other person, someone else that will have their baby die. But then when it happens to us it makes the realization that we have no control more prominent, that innocence leaves us completely. And when you don’t have control what do you have? Chaos. We suffer from anxiety, depression, a constant worry that something else will go wrong. That everything else in life comes with a temporary tag because nothing is permanent.
The reality that a simple name slip can trigger all of this is a little bit sad, but unfortunately it’s my reality. Luckily though, I have the ability to control as much as I can and usually that goes with silencing my mind. Almost a year after Averie died I found some outlets that helped with silencing my overactive mind and helped me feel more in control of what I let consume me. The problem I’ve had lately, is finding a way to do these things with a baby. I know it’s not hard and it’s a matter of doing them and making choices. I have gotten to a point again where I can’t let worrying about things that are out of control consume me to where I feel like it’s holding me back in life. I don’t want to miss the great moments worrying about what probably will never happen.
Not gonnna do it again. Just not.
Tell me what’s worked for you I’m all ears!
Oh and here’s an adorable picture of Isabella just because 😊❤