Through my blogging journey I have been fortunate to connect with some amazing loss Mom’s, although the reason for our connection has been anything but fortunate. Alison is one of those Mom’s. She has been a huge support to me, I’m so happy to be able to honor her today!
My name is Alison and my beautiful daughter is Meredith. Meredith was stillborn (unexplained) at full term gestation, when I was 39 weeks pregnant in April of 2016. My pregnancy with her was perfect and complication-free, until the end. She was a beautiful, perfectly formed, very loved, very wanted, 7 pound 9 ounce baby, ready to be born and join our family. And we were ready for her. Also in my family – my sweet husband, Joe, 3-year-old big brother, Cameron, and our new baby, due this summer. The best advice I’ve ever received came after my journey in grief began, after my daughter died. The advice was that there’s no life lesson in grief; there’s no beautiful message that comes from death. Death is horrible, ugly, and it steals your joy. It doesn’t happen because of “God’s plan” or for any reason. It just happens. You don’t need to be ok with it, you don’t need to pretend that you’re ok, and you definitely don’t need to pretend that its making you better. (It doesn’t make anything better). Death, loss, and grief are just things you need to get through, learn to live with; to live in spite of. Knowing that has allowed me to survive the way I need to, without putting too much pressure or too many expectations on myself. And despite it all, I have found joy, happiness, and meaning again. A lot of that is due to what inspires me, my amazing husband and son (obviously!), my beautiful parents, sisters, and girlfriends. I’ve been incredibly inspired by the remarkable tribe of moms (who’ve also lost a child) that I’ve met along this terrible journey. The quote “sweet is the voice of a sister in the season of sorrow” (B.Disraeli) is spot on; “sweet” is not a good enough adjective though, it’s more like “life-sustaining.” I am so grateful for them. After having my daughter, I don’t feel as though I’ve ever accomplished anything big outside of surviving her death. But, I guess, every little daily accomplishment is a big one now; getting through a long day of work, getting through dinner with a tantruming toddler, just basically living around the huge gaping hole of Meredith’s absence, while trying to live a “normal” life, is a huge accomplishment. I still haven’t mastered the art of honoring my daughter, whenever I try to think of something to do in her honor, or whenever a sweet friend asks what they can do to honor her, I’m always at a loss. What can I possibly do to honor her? I guess I’m still figuring that one out. Finally, a few words that describe me, at this point, would be “hoping & living in spite of loss.”
–Connect with Alison–
Instagram: alison__ag (two underscores)