We are ending this highlight series of honoring loss Mom’s this Mother’s Day with this beautiful Momma (see at the bottom of the page for more details on this!) I stumbled upon Melissa and her story on Instagram and instantly connected to it. Her story felt very familiar to what we went through with Averie. I reached out to her and asked her to share her story and I’m so happy she agreed.
Name- Melissa Brown
Angel baby- Nash Taylor Brown
Type of loss- I had a placental abruption during labor at 39 weeks, Nash passed away at just 1 day old.
Home state- Utah
Best advice you’ve received- “Be the Good in the World.” You can’t change the world but you can change the way you live in it.
Favorite place you’ve ever visited– Maui. I’ve been there a few times and wouldn’t mind going a few more!
Biggest accomplishment- How much stronger this trial has made me. It is a decision you have to continue to make each day to either let it make or break you. I don’t try and understand why this happened to me. Instead I trust in God’s timing and reasoning and live each day trying to make my sweet Nash proud.
Ways you honor your angel- When Nash was in the NICU he was given a lovey, which we later named Zack. Zack now goes on all of our adventures with us. He’s been to Maui, Oahu, Moab, Lake Powell, and just about every hike in Northern Utah. He is in all our family pictures so it feels like a little part of Nash is in our pictures. When you lose a child your arms literally ache to hold your baby. I started Little Brother Loveys in hopes that a lovey will help other angel moms’ arms feel a little less empty. Each lovey that is donated is in memory of an angel baby. I have loved getting to know the little angels that my sweet Nash is friends with in Heaven.
Describe yourself in 4 words- Strong, Brave, Loyal, Understanding
What food you’ve never tried and why- Octopus. I don’t feel like that needs an explanation…
What inspires you- My Boys. I have a 2.5 year old, my angel Nash, and we are expecting our rainbow boy in June. I will teach my boys that are here with me all about their brother Nash and how he finished his earthly mission early. I will teach them to be the good in the world. They are the reason that I continue to CHOOSE to let this make me stronger each day. I am so proud to be their mommy and I try every day to make them proud.
On May 2, 2016, I went in to labor at 39 weeks. What started as normal contractions quickly moved to what felt like one strong contraction that would not let up. The hospital monitored the babies’ heartbeat when it took a little dip, but the doctors and nurses didn’t seem to be too concerned and just continued to keep an eye on it. After continuing to tell them something wasn’t right it was decided that we would do an emergency C-section.
Nash Taylor was born on May 3, 2016 at 1:57 am weighing 8 lbs 9 oz. I never heard him cry. He was quickly taken to the NICU where they performed CPR. His heart rate was just fine in the room so I couldn’t understand how he could take such a turn for the worse in the 5 minutes it took to get him out. After 12 minutes of CPR they were able to get him breathing with help from a lot of machines.
I couldn’t see him until a couple hours later because of all the doctors that were running tests on his little body. They finally wheeled me back at about 5:30 am. That was the first time I saw my sweet boy. He was hooked up to every machine in the room. It was so hard to see him and know there was nothing I could do for him. I talked to him and let him know that it was all going to be ok, that mommy was here. They wouldn’t let me stay long so they could finish testing.
At 7:30 that morning a doctor and Nash’s head nurse came in to my room and told us that Nash was very sick. Every organ in his body had been damaged due to the amount of time he was without oxygen. He had zero brain activity and had .1% chance at living a life that would allow him to walk, talk, eat on his own. That is IF his brain started to turn back on. If we decided to keep him here he would live a life confined to a bed with wires.
As selfish as I wanted to be to keep him here with me, I wouldn’t be able to watch him go through all that pain and suffering and not feel guilty. After prayers and pleading we made the decision to take him off life support and if it is what God wanted he would keep him here with us and we would love him unconditionally. But it was not a decision that I felt I could make, I needed God to make it.
We spent the next day with him. Held him, bathed him, blessed him, sang to him and cuddled as much as they would let us. When it was time to take him off his machines, we went in to a room and introduced him to his Big Brother. Our family was finally all together. The room was full of extended family and loved ones. We spent 2 hours with him taking family pictures, singing lullabies and cherishing our short time we had all together. He was called home while in my arms with daddy and big brother right by us.
We know we will see him again and my heart aches for that day. But until then we will look for him everywhere and continue to live our lives to make him proud.
-Connect with Melissa-
Facebook: Letters To Little Brother