Yesterday morning Isabella woke me up early. I scooped her up and walked out into the kitchen. Bending down to pick up the dog bowls, my eye caught a card laying on one of the counters, placed specifically for me to find it. Drawn on the front were two roses and it read “Crystal”. I picked it up and smiled, it was from my husband. Walking back to Isabella’s room I read the card along the way. Warm tears pooled in the corners of my eyes and then trickled down my cheeks. His words sweet and heartfelt and so full of love.
After a quick diaper and wardrobe change, we walked to the back of the house, my favorite part of our home. The room looks out into the back yard, my happy place. We both sat there, Isabella in my lap, watching the birds fly from branch to branch as the wind blew through the trees. In that moment I pictured a little girl running around and playing in the grass among the daffodils. I could see her as she twirled around, her blonde hair catching the light of the sun. Averie would have loved this backyard. It would have been her happy place too, I’m sure. A place where she could have explored and used her imagination. We sat there for a few more minutes as I escaped my reality and imagined my other beautiful girl there.
Before we took off for the day Zach took some pictures of me with both my girls. At one point Isabella grabbed the picture of her sister and held on. Normally, like any 6 month old would do, she would tug, but she held on to her sister’s picture so calmly. Zach managed to catch a photo of us both holding Averie’s picture. When I looked at it I cried.
On our way home, after eating at our favorite corner restaurant by the river, I sat in the back with Isabella to entertain her for the long car ride home. I sang to her as I stroked her face and with wide eyes she stared back at me and smiled. I thought about the time, when she’s old enough to understand, when we tell her about her sister. The questions she will ask, what she will think. I have always loved sharing Averie with everyone. It’s what has helped me with my grief. The thought of telling Isabella about her sister made me happy. I want her to love her just as much as we do, and to want to carry on Averie’s legacy as she creates her own.
Later in the night, when things were quiet, I thought about the whole day. I thought about all my fellow loss Mom’s and hoped the day had been gentle to them. I received a few texts from some of them and sent a few out myself. My heart was with all of them. I hoped that nobody had been forgotten, that nobody had suffered in silence. My sister sent me a text me before I fell asleep, and told me that while all the Mothers at her church were receiving gifts, my brother in law whispered to her “What about the loss Mom?” I can’t say he speaks for everyone, but in that moment I had pride. Pride for the awareness I’ve created in honoring fellow loss Mom’s and posting the video of my experience as a silent Mother. For as long as I live I will continue to do just that. I will do it for the broken Mother, and I will do it for my sweet Averie.
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